Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I have a smart phone

Hey. Yeah, you. I see you. Trying to check out my awesome phone, huh? I can't say I blame you. Hell, if I were you, I'd probably be doing the same thing. But I'm not you, so keep looking because it's the closest you'll ever get to this bad boy. This puppy is on fire. Not in the literal sense. I don't condone puppy violence. Or fire. But this phone would even make me change my mind. This metaphoric canine is ablaze.

You better believe it's smart. Like Einstein. I've heard Einstein grew up with a learning disability. I don't know if it's true or not, but if it is, then this phone's nothing like Einstein.

Wanna see a cool trick? I thought you would. Check this out. Yeah, that's right. I press the button and the number instantly appears on my screen. Amazed yet? What if I did it again? Bam.

Hold on there, perfect stranger. You ever see that show? You remind me of Bronson Pinchot. Can I call you Balki?

Listen Balki, this phone isn't for nubies. With great power comes great responsibility. I don't expect you to understand, just nod your head a couple of times. That's too many. A couple means two. Two, Balki. Two.

Now here's where things can get a bit out of hand. Let's say I'm like you and have no idea how to use this amazing phone. What if I hit the wrong number? (I wouldn't.) Before you get your knickers in a bunch, calm down. There's a way to go back. You can hit the delete button, the end button, OR flip the front part back. Yes. It FLIPS. Now I must warn you about flipping. If you do so, you are closing the phone. You seem like a reasonably smart guy, Balki. I think you understand what I'm saying here. But there is an upside in all of this. Once it's closed you will be provided the time.

The time. How smart is this phone? Pretty fucking smart.

Where are you going? I haven't told you the best part about all of this. Remember before, when i hit those numbers? After hitting the correct amount of numbers, the phone allows me to speak with people. I know. I shat my pants the first eight times it happened. Shat, Balki. Past tense. No need to edge away.

Or maybe you are scared by the beautiful image on the screen? I can understand that. It's not everyday you get to see such vivid shades of black and gray.

And what, you may ask, is the best part about all of this? Not having any apps or games or a touch pad or having my email sent to me all day is a lifesaver when it comes to battery life. My phone knew that. My phone belongs in Mensa.

Oh, that? That's duct tape. Sometimes the burden of carrying such a smart device can become too much to handle. I'm only one man, Balki. Why is your phone in a protective case? Can't keep the idiot out of the helmet too long before he hits his head again, huh?

Internet on your phone? Youtube videos? Yeah, that's kind of cool I suppose, but I bet you've never heard the William Tell Overture played by a PHONE before. My phone is just that fucking smart. William Tell is probably rolling in his grave right now at the thought of missing this incredible opportunity. Have you ever heard the real thing? It sounds like complete shit compared to this. And all those instruments, who needs them? This is just one phone. One really smart phone. I've also got Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star. I use that for special occasions, like when my mom is calling me.

You might say my phone is a genius. If you did, you'd be right. When someone wants to talk to me, my phone knows that and alerts me to this fact.

I'm a busy guy, Balki. Sometimes people need me and I can't answer the phone. You know what happens then? My phone keeps their message for me. To get to the message I need to punch in the correct code. It's all very hush hush. Only I know the code. And my mother. Sometimes I forget things.

Technology is the future, Balki, and don't you forget it. I don't need videos or internet or email or touch or music when I have a smart phone. My phone is smart enough to know that. I have a ridiculously smart phone.

I couldn't help but notice you have that T-Pain app though, mind if I take a look?