Monday, March 8, 2010

I'm Still Here, McSweeney

Coolio Applies Gangsta's Paradise To Selecting Lean Cuisines from the Frozen Food Section of Target

Coolio enters Target.

Everybody's running, but half of them ain't looking. Man, this place is crowded.

It's going on in the kitchen but I don't know what's cooking. They say I gotta learn but nobody's here to teach me. I guess I'll just stock up on microwaveable dinners again.

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I take a look at my life and realize there's nothing left. Was there a sale or something? There's practically nothing here and quite frankly, I'm starving.

He approaches the Lean Cuisines.

Got my ten in my hand and a gleam in my eye. Alright, so $2.00 a Lean Cuisine, that makes 5 Lean Cuisines altogether.

Classic Five Cheese Lasagna or Lasagna with Meat Sauce

Will five cheeses really satisfy my craving? How can I be sure five is the right number? What if a person stops tasting the differences by the third cheese? Can one really identify all five cheeses between those noodles? I can't say for sure I even know five cheeses. Parmesan, mozzarella, cheddar, feta--Do I really want feta in my lasagna? And what if American cheese is in it? Then the whole thing will just taste like American Cheese. Hell, it's not even a real cheese so I hope it's not in there. Does this pasta just exemplify my hoarding tendencies? Am I to live my life quantity over quality? When is enough, enough? Stick to who you are and play it smart, Cool-boy. Remember, too much television watching got me chasing dreams. Five cheeses, that's just excessive and unnecessary. Lasagna with Meat Sauce.

Baked Chicken Florentine or Parmesan Crusted Fish

Cool-money, wait just a second. What exactly is this fish? Why so vague? Tell me why are we so blind to see. Baked Chicken Florentine.

Bacon Alfredo Pizza Wood Fire Style or Santa Fe-Style Rice and Beans

Cooliosopher, time to put the thinking cap on these dreads. It's true, I'm a sucker for any food with the word style in it. Why eat the real thing when you can have something that's copying it? But let's weigh our pros and cons, shall we? Is anything with fire really something I want to be messing with? Why do they say things spread like wildfire? And how do you fight fire? With more fire, that's how. I bet that's why it keeps spreading. That just doesn't seem safe. And what about the bacon and alfredo? Do you think that will help your high cholesterol? Fool, death ain't nothing but a heart beat away. Santa Fe-Style Rice and Beans.

Vegetable Eggroll or BBQ Chicken Quesadilla

Hold on. This vegetable eggroll takes 8 minutes to cook and I have to cook it on half the power? Cooliotronic, power in the money, money in the power, minute after minute, hour after hour--how long is a person supposed to wait for their meal exactly? This is getting ridiculous, it's a microwaveable meal not a 3 star Michelin entree. BBQ Chicken Quesadilla.

Szechuan Style Stir Fry with Shrimp or Balsamic Glazed Chicken

Dammit, where is the Balsamic Glazed Chicken? Look at the situation they got me facing.

Excuse me, sir? Do you have any Balsamic Glazed Chicken in stock?

Oh, alright then. Me be treated like a punk.

Thank you for trying. That's why I know my life is out of luck, foo!

Szechuan Style Stir Fry with Shrimp.

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