Thursday, March 25, 2010

Greetings from a Bus Driver Who is also a Spiritual Advisor

Welcome kindred spirits and namaste. I accept you as part of my journey.

I hope this day of your life finds you in a good place mentally and physically. Eventually, it will find you in Cleveland. I hope that doesn't put shades of indigo and black in your aura. I'm only kidding, I love Cleveland.

As we depart from our destination, please make note that with every ending there is a new beginning. For some this may not be the life they had imagined themselves leading. It so rarely is. This is why it is so important that you take in your surroundings and live for the moment. Enjoy the little things in life for these are the heaven's gifts to you. That is precisely why in two hours we will stop at an Arbys. Present your bus ticket to the cashier and you will get any large combo meal for the price of a medium.

Time is a silly thing we hyper-focus on as humans. We create deadlines and wear watches on our wrists to remind us of this constant pressure. Time should follow us, not the other way around. We have somehow taken advantage of the sun's brilliance and it has lost its luster. As the moon approaches, we sigh with relief that the day has come to an end. And come the next day, we will just repeat this torturous cycle over again. Our spirits are forever moving and should be treated as thus. Time is not our captor. In the event that you are still consumed by time, we'll probably be arriving in 4 and a half hours, traffic and weather permitting.

No matter what you believe, be it Islam, Judaism, Christianity, what have you, we are all constantly searching for life's true meaning. Will we ever be able to answer the question as to why we are here? Why were we chosen to experience things like love and laughter? While on the subject of laughter, the Ben Stiller blockbuster comedy Night at the Museum will be starting shortly. If you wish to watch, simply plug your headphones into the headphone jack on the back of the seat in front of you. Then turn to channel 2.

You may use your cell phone at any time but please try to keep the conversation to a minimum. It can be a distraction while driving. Plus, I'm trying to listen to my GPS and channel Krishna so I don't need any more voices in my head.

There is a bathroom in the back of this bus. Should you need any help at all, press the Emergency button above the toilet and start to speak in tongues. There is also hand sanitizer provided as a courtesy to you.

Thank you for riding with us today and please don't talk to me again. I've just consumed a Big Gulp of Sprite and will be in a tantric state so as to keep the urine in my bladder from collecting. This prevents unnecessary pit stops.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Success

Hey there Internet,

While I still pretend that people read this (it will never get old), it seems I have actually managed to infiltrate the McSweeney infrastructure.

More to come on a later date.

Maybe I'll even get a reader or two....

Just kidding on that last part.

Monday, March 8, 2010

I'm Still Here, McSweeney

Coolio Applies Gangsta's Paradise To Selecting Lean Cuisines from the Frozen Food Section of Target

Coolio enters Target.

Everybody's running, but half of them ain't looking. Man, this place is crowded.

It's going on in the kitchen but I don't know what's cooking. They say I gotta learn but nobody's here to teach me. I guess I'll just stock up on microwaveable dinners again.

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I take a look at my life and realize there's nothing left. Was there a sale or something? There's practically nothing here and quite frankly, I'm starving.

He approaches the Lean Cuisines.

Got my ten in my hand and a gleam in my eye. Alright, so $2.00 a Lean Cuisine, that makes 5 Lean Cuisines altogether.

Classic Five Cheese Lasagna or Lasagna with Meat Sauce

Will five cheeses really satisfy my craving? How can I be sure five is the right number? What if a person stops tasting the differences by the third cheese? Can one really identify all five cheeses between those noodles? I can't say for sure I even know five cheeses. Parmesan, mozzarella, cheddar, feta--Do I really want feta in my lasagna? And what if American cheese is in it? Then the whole thing will just taste like American Cheese. Hell, it's not even a real cheese so I hope it's not in there. Does this pasta just exemplify my hoarding tendencies? Am I to live my life quantity over quality? When is enough, enough? Stick to who you are and play it smart, Cool-boy. Remember, too much television watching got me chasing dreams. Five cheeses, that's just excessive and unnecessary. Lasagna with Meat Sauce.

Baked Chicken Florentine or Parmesan Crusted Fish

Cool-money, wait just a second. What exactly is this fish? Why so vague? Tell me why are we so blind to see. Baked Chicken Florentine.

Bacon Alfredo Pizza Wood Fire Style or Santa Fe-Style Rice and Beans

Cooliosopher, time to put the thinking cap on these dreads. It's true, I'm a sucker for any food with the word style in it. Why eat the real thing when you can have something that's copying it? But let's weigh our pros and cons, shall we? Is anything with fire really something I want to be messing with? Why do they say things spread like wildfire? And how do you fight fire? With more fire, that's how. I bet that's why it keeps spreading. That just doesn't seem safe. And what about the bacon and alfredo? Do you think that will help your high cholesterol? Fool, death ain't nothing but a heart beat away. Santa Fe-Style Rice and Beans.

Vegetable Eggroll or BBQ Chicken Quesadilla

Hold on. This vegetable eggroll takes 8 minutes to cook and I have to cook it on half the power? Cooliotronic, power in the money, money in the power, minute after minute, hour after hour--how long is a person supposed to wait for their meal exactly? This is getting ridiculous, it's a microwaveable meal not a 3 star Michelin entree. BBQ Chicken Quesadilla.

Szechuan Style Stir Fry with Shrimp or Balsamic Glazed Chicken

Dammit, where is the Balsamic Glazed Chicken? Look at the situation they got me facing.

Excuse me, sir? Do you have any Balsamic Glazed Chicken in stock?

Oh, alright then. Me be treated like a punk.

Thank you for trying. That's why I know my life is out of luck, foo!

Szechuan Style Stir Fry with Shrimp.