Thursday, February 18, 2010

One of my many attempts to get on McSweeneys

Abraham Lincoln delivers The Gettysburg Address to the cast of The Hills

Four seasons and seven minutes ago your fathers brought forth on this network, a new television show, conceived in a crack den, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are not created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure this bullshit. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of this beach house, as a final resting place for those who here gave their relationships that this piece of shit show might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate - we can not fornicate - we can not rehearse - this beach house. You fucking idiots, living but I mostly wish were dead, who struggled here, have defecated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what you little shrivs have to say, but it can never forget what you did here. It is for us the viewer, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished mind games which you spoiled twats who fought here have thus far so un-nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us - that from these shallow plot lines we take increased devotion to that cause for which you gave the smallest measure of devotion - that we here highly resolve that these dead relationships have completely, 100%, died in vain - that this television show, if there is a God, shall have a new birth of freedom - and that this show of the moronic people, by the moronic people, for the moronic people, will perish from the earth. Heidi, you look ridiculous.

No comments:

Post a Comment