Monday, February 22, 2010

McSweeneys Failed Attempt 2

What Email Has Taught Me
(Disclaimer: I am fully aware this is awful and therefore have no ill will toward McSweeneys or am even the least bit surprised this did not make it. K thanks, love you)

My penis is small

Personal blogs don't count as writing experience

I have been chosen by a group of Nigerians who desperately need my help.

Apple thinks one of their products would make a great gift for any
occasion ever to have existed in the history of occasions existing.

Cialis_Viagra_Ritalin_Percocet_Adderall!!! (I am not certain if I am
supposed to buy these things or merely be excited that they can exist
between underscores)

I had no idea my penis was that small.

Live girls want to dance for me (so much better than those dead ones.
But an interesting take on marionette nonetheless)

If an email is really important, I can put a star next to it so it can
get lost in the rest of my emails and never be seen again.

If you delete an email, you still have it in your trash. You must
then go into the tab "trash" where an electronic dumpster awaits with
your garbage. At this stage, one must press delete again. It will
ask you if you are sure you want to delete the message. I was almost
positive I wanted to delete it the first time around, but now I'm not
so sure.

Google really understands me. While composing this list, GMail has
suggested: Tickets to India @ $499, I Defeated Fibromyalgia, and Jason
Mraz Lyrics. I feel loved for the first time.

GMail has its limitations. No matter how many times you type
"titties," "boobs," "blowjob" and "anglefish," it will not suggest an
aquatic porn site.

If the correct equation of looking at your email while sipping coffee
slowly is applied in a work environment, your boss will not notice you
slacking off.

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