Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Is my failure really the best source of content for this blog? You Betcha

McSweeneys 3...

When the Evil Leaders of History Met to See an Off Broadway Show

Castro: Hurry up! The show is going to start any minute!

Stalin: Our seats are not going anywhere.

Castro: Maybe if SOMEBODY didn't have to stop to get a McFlurry, we
would be sitting in the front row right now instead of these shitty

Hitler: Seriously? How many times do I have to apologize to you? You
didn't see me complain when you needed your smoking break. Stop being
a little bitch, Castro.

Stalin: More like Fidel Castrated.

They high five.

Mussolini: You guys want raisinettes?

Hitler: Hey, Lenin, switch seats with me.

Lenin: What?

Hitler: I get the aisle seat.

Lenin: What? You're too far, I can't hear you.

Hitler raises his arm and points. He screams.

Hitler: Aisle!

Ahmadinejad: Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.

Hitler: Ahmadinejad, I took the liberty to arrange our seating in
alphabetical order by last name. You're sitting next to--

Ahmadinejad: Whatever, I think I'm just going to sit next to Kim Jong-il.

Hitler: Why do you always refuse to acknowledge my hard work?

Castro: I'm so happy we are finally seeing The Fantasticks.

Hussein: Why couldn't we see Blue Man Group again?

Pol Pot: I've seen it 20 times. Plus, it was sold out. This is
supposed to be a classic.

Hitler: Ugh, Churchill is here. That's gonna ruin the whole night.

Jong-il: Shh! It's starting.

Mussolini: Am I going to eat all of these raisinettes myself?

Monday, February 22, 2010

McSweeneys Failed Attempt 2

What Email Has Taught Me
(Disclaimer: I am fully aware this is awful and therefore have no ill will toward McSweeneys or am even the least bit surprised this did not make it. K thanks, love you)

My penis is small

Personal blogs don't count as writing experience

I have been chosen by a group of Nigerians who desperately need my help.

Apple thinks one of their products would make a great gift for any
occasion ever to have existed in the history of occasions existing.

Cialis_Viagra_Ritalin_Percocet_Adderall!!! (I am not certain if I am
supposed to buy these things or merely be excited that they can exist
between underscores)

I had no idea my penis was that small.

Live girls want to dance for me (so much better than those dead ones.
But an interesting take on marionette nonetheless)

If an email is really important, I can put a star next to it so it can
get lost in the rest of my emails and never be seen again.

If you delete an email, you still have it in your trash. You must
then go into the tab "trash" where an electronic dumpster awaits with
your garbage. At this stage, one must press delete again. It will
ask you if you are sure you want to delete the message. I was almost
positive I wanted to delete it the first time around, but now I'm not
so sure.

Google really understands me. While composing this list, GMail has
suggested: Tickets to India @ $499, I Defeated Fibromyalgia, and Jason
Mraz Lyrics. I feel loved for the first time.

GMail has its limitations. No matter how many times you type
"titties," "boobs," "blowjob" and "anglefish," it will not suggest an
aquatic porn site.

If the correct equation of looking at your email while sipping coffee
slowly is applied in a work environment, your boss will not notice you
slacking off.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

One of my many attempts to get on McSweeneys

Abraham Lincoln delivers The Gettysburg Address to the cast of The Hills

Four seasons and seven minutes ago your fathers brought forth on this network, a new television show, conceived in a crack den, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are not created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure this bullshit. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of this beach house, as a final resting place for those who here gave their relationships that this piece of shit show might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate - we can not fornicate - we can not rehearse - this beach house. You fucking idiots, living but I mostly wish were dead, who struggled here, have defecated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what you little shrivs have to say, but it can never forget what you did here. It is for us the viewer, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished mind games which you spoiled twats who fought here have thus far so un-nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us - that from these shallow plot lines we take increased devotion to that cause for which you gave the smallest measure of devotion - that we here highly resolve that these dead relationships have completely, 100%, died in vain - that this television show, if there is a God, shall have a new birth of freedom - and that this show of the moronic people, by the moronic people, for the moronic people, will perish from the earth. Heidi, you look ridiculous.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Hey Internet, Long Time No See. Did you lose weight? You look amazing

It seems as if I once had a blog that nobody read and then I became incredibly lazy and stopped updating the blog nobody read.

That should change.

Update: Check

Nobody Reading: Check

Feels good to be back.