Monday, September 14, 2009

Hollywood InsideHer

2 Hollywood producers have been found guilty on charges of bribery and money laundering in Thailand. The two could face more than 10 years in prison.

Apparently Bill Clinton has already volunteered himself to travel to Thailand, stating "I'm well acquainted with the Thai, I just want a happy ending."


Thursday, September 10, 2009

Maybe they are slow because they are pigeon-toed?

A South African company proved it was faster to transmit data using a carrier pigeon than to send data using the country's leading internet service provider.

In lieu of this shocking news, South Africans are now having birds deliver all of their internet needs. Thus, porn will be delivered through a service called "Spread Eagle."

Technology can be Overbearing

Florida researchers are able to track a bears' movements by tranquilizing them and fitting them with a GPS collar. The collar uses cell phone technology and sends a text message every 15 minutes.

With this and 3 bear judges, we will have our new Bear Idol any day.

Other Things Rep. Joe Wilson Considered Yelling Before He Settled on "You Lie"

Liar, liar, pants on fire!

This is just my talking voice!

I enjoy mustard on my hotdog, not ketchup!

Someone put a stick up my rectum and now the painkillers are wearing off and I'm starting to feel it!

Why is Margaritaville so damn catchy!

The straw for my Capri-Sun won't go through!

I can't possibly imagine screaming at the President to be a bad idea!

Dibs!

My Snapple tastes like urine!

John McCain just peed in my Snapple!

I have to fart but will suppress the noise with screaming!

I didn't plug in my Tivo!

I'll give anyone five dollars right now if they can say Caucus without laughing!

I doubt anyone will be watching this!

You owe me one Sanford!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

You Got to feel it, It's Electric! Boogie Woogie Woogie

Pamela Anderson is now dating an electrician she met in a trailer park.

Trying to up the ante in who could be more White Trash, Anderson's Ex Kid Rock is now dating a half empty keg of Natty Ice that smells like chewing tobacco.

In related news, the electrician's sister is now looking for a new person to sleep with.

When asked for a comment, fellow ex-husband Tommy Lee stated "It's bad when I'm your peak." He then proceeded to perform ring toss tricks with his penis for 45 minutes.

Alternative title for this post using lyrics from the Electric Slide:
Any of them. I think they are singing about a penis that likes to pop out and scare people with an adorable ghost impression. Boogie woogie woogie.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

This is a bad joke

President Obama delivered a "Back to School" speech, in which he urged students across the nation to study hard and stay in school.

The President had an awkward moment when one student raised his hand and asked whether "cooties" would be covered in his health insurance policy.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Lingering Too Long

Super amazing band The Cranberries will be creating a new album in 2010.

This news is particularly great for those people who like to press "skip" on their iPod and question why they have the music they do.

Sometimes I lie about writing on this blog

I have brown eyes.

See, that's another lie. If you didn't understand the process, I actually have blue eyes, but said I have brown, thereby misleading you.

Much like the above statement, my only blog entry in August (See: Only Blog Entry of August below) was a lie. I said I would start writing again, and I did not. Said brown, actually blue.

Lies are proverbial warts that appear on the genitals of language. I have decided not to double check whether that sentence makes any sense in hopes that with the introduction of genitals, I have once again redeemed myself with my fan base.

Also, I don't have a fan base, so all is well with the world.

Hey September, you lookin' real sexy.