Thursday, July 23, 2009

Onion Part 3...

So, I didn't get the job..its not as bad as it seems..they got hundreds of applicants and only chose twelve people.  And, I can reapply.  So while I wait, I thought I would share with you, the world*, my application.

*Implies people read this.

The App worked like this-
10 Ideas for a news segment, in which I gave eleven to show I'm supery dupery* enthused, and one 2-3 page script based off of an idea submitted by them.

*Gay.

Here are the ten (eleven) ideas:

Christian lesbians complain depiction of Jesus not “butch” enough.

Report shows a group of butch lesbians with signs protesting around a church.  They  march in a circle screaming “Jesus Christ! Why so faggy!”  Interviews of several of the women follow, in which they compare his chest to being the size of their arms, and speak about wanting to follow a God that isn’t so wimpy.  “Look at that hair! Even if he had a vagina and no beard, I wouldn’t fuck him.”

 

The KKK, Save the Last K for Kreative

The KKK hold a contest where they add a fourth K to their name and ask for fans to come up with what it will stand for.  Interviews of KKK members in their garments follow.  They discuss how they are big fans of American Idol and liked the idea of using text messages to find a winner.  The prize for the person with the best idea is a burning K, and a prescription to Home and Garden Magazine.  When asked why that magazine, they said it was the whitest magazine out there.

 

Zoo closes after animals found to be people dressed in animal skins.

Piece interviews zoo owner who claimed not to know they were fake animals, then interviews the employees doing their best interpretations of the animals they are portraying in their skins.  The impressions are awful, some don’t even pretend to be an animal.  When asked why they did not just use the actual animals, instead of skinning them, employees replied “Its perfect for today’s economy.  We can now have animals that look great, and are able to interact with customers and sell t-shirts.  Regular animals are boring.”

 

Pornstar gets Crabs, still not good enough for The Deadliest Catch

In a misunderstanding, Shelley Shocker, hardcore porn actress, showed up on one of the boats from Discovery Channel’s television show The Deadliest Catch following a doctor’s appointment.  Told she had crabs, she tried to make some money by selling them to crew of the Cornelius Marie.  Though she did not get any money, she was able to prove her sealegs by shoving a king crab in her vagina.  The piece can also show her interaction with members of the crew, along with a pole dance from inside one of the crab cages.

 

Due to Recession, Asian and Latino gangs have had to join together, forming Chinco DeMayo

Interviews are held with the Asian gang leader and the Latino gang leader in the same room, talking about why it made sense financially for the two gangs to merge.  Then a series of clips depicting the transition period as the gang members learn each others’ habits. 

 

Brendan Frasier claims Recession has even impacted him; Losing Second Shift at IHOP.

Report on how Brendan Frasier and other various crappy actors see more struggle for work due to the current economic crisis.  Then an interview with a customer who’s breakfast was made by Brendan Frasier.  A thorough report on the breakfast would follow.  Also a list of other actors and their current jobs, like Tony Danza working at Bed, Bath & Beyond as a pillow fluffer.

 

People flock to Amish lifestyle during economic crisis and find new respect for gloryholes.  

Seeing the benefits of living without having to pay electricity bills, many city folk are now turning toward the Amish lifestyle.  “We are just like Tim Allen and Kirstie Allie in that movie!” As a result of the Amish smelling bad, the newcomers looking for a little action have started creating gloryholes, a much cheaper alternative to prostitution.  Clips will show the new Amish people working in the fields, plowing, and creating gloryholes from trees. 

 

Trojan adds new voice feature to condoms.

Trojan condoms have added a new audio feature to their design.  The new condoms will be able to tell you when they have broken “Mayday! We Need Backup!”, (another sound effect: a baby crying, and the song Who Let the Dogs Out plays) when you have ejaculated successfully without damaging the condom “No Babies: Check!” and “Sucsex!”, and even provide feedback “Seriously, that was 30 seconds”, “I think I can, I think I can”.   Voice options come in male, female, Chinese, Drill Instructor, and Kermit the Frog.

 

Scientists create true-to-life, “Jewy” representation of Jesus. 

Report shows how scientists came to create a true-to-life depiction of Jesus, including a Jewfro and hooknose.  Scientists started out with a picture of Woody Allen, which they then added robes and a beard to.  From there, they collected DNA samples and read historical texts to try to piece together what he may look like.

 

Standup Comedian learns Heckler really just had Turrets.

Piece shows the performance of a local standup comedian, who throughout his performance is being yelled and cursed at.  The comedian gets so frustrated he tells the man to come on to the stage, where they just go back and forth cursing at each other.  In a separate Barbara Walters-esque interview, the two have come together to speak about the event and apologize.  Halfway through it, the man with turrets starts again, and the two start fighting.

 

Youtube Sensation Takes Hits for Hits; Films Coma

Piece follows a 23-year-old man who considers himself an artist.  He became a youtube sensation after posting a video of kittens yawning.  The instant celebrity status became too much for him, and he created a new idea; for every hit on his video, he would take a hit to the head.  His eventual coma was also filmed and put on youtube, but people only watch hoping to see more kittens.


As for the script, the segment had to be about how the rough economy was effecting mistresses of businessmen.  Here it is:


AFFAIR AMOUNT OF PU$$Y                                                                         

 

ANCHOR

In today’s current economic climate, employees aren’t the only people getting laid (pauses) off.  With layoffs and cutbacks, many businessmen have had to cut other private expenses.  As a result, many mistresses of businessmen are getting the shaft, and not the kind between their legs, mouth, and anus.  Joining us in the studio is Susan Kendell, a mistress for an employee at GM.  Nice to meet you, Susan.

 

SUSAN KENDELL
Hello, nice to meet you.

 

ANCHOR

Now you have been a mistress for 11 years, is that right?

 

SUSAN KENDELL

That’s correct.

 

ANCHOR

How has the current economy affected your daily routine?

 

SUSAN KENDELL

It’s had quite a profound impact actually.  I think I speak for mistresses across America when I say that we are seeing a substantial decrease in monetary goods.  There is really almost no reason to keep quiet any longer.  The sex just isn’t worth it.

 

ANCHOR

I see.  Can you provide any examples?

 

SUSAN KENDELL

He came 30 seconds into it.

 

ANCHOR

And examples of a decrease in monetary goods?

 

SUSAN KENDELL

Last year for our tenth anniversary, my lover gave me this sterling silver diamond necklace from Tiffany’s.

 

ANCHOR

And this year?

 

Camera zooms out, she is sitting and holding a toy turtle.

 

 

SUSAN KENDELL

You wind this little button here and the legs move.

 

ANCHOR

Can you put it in water?

 

SUSAN KENDELL

I don’t know, I haven’t really tried.

 

ANCHOR

Was there anything else?

 

SUSAN KENDELL

Anal beads and a plate of hummus.

 

ANCHOR

No pita bread?

 

SUSAN KENDELL

No.

 

ANCHOR

Now Susan, you claim happy mistresses actually improve the economy is that right?

 

SUSAN KENDELL

Absolutely.  A recent study from Whorevard University (charts show on screen) showed that providing expensive presents to mistresses and gay lovers to keep them quiet, improves the economy due to the high rate of purchases.  Mistresses are not holes to put penises in, we are people with holes to put penises in.  And as such, there is a certain financial responsibility to be upheld.  If the gifts decrease, the economy suffers.

 

ANCHOR

Fascinating.  For more on the story, via satellite from a Super 8 Motel, we have BJ, a mistress for a CityGroup CEO.  She has agreed to be interviewed as long as we keep her anonymous, so we have taken the liberty to change her name and blur out her vagina.  (She sits in the dirty motel room, her pubic area all blurry) BJ, thank you for coming.  You must say that a lot.  Now BJ, would you agree with Susan’s claims that providing substantially lower monetary goods to mistresses actually worsens the economy?

 

B.J.

Absolutely.  Financially speaking, providing for affairs can create income for many businesses.  I used to meet my lover in the penthouse suite at The Hilton and be showered with jewelry and champagne.  That is a lot of money being spent.  Now however, we meet at a Super 8 Motel, and drink alcohol that he made himself.  He actually stomped grapes, and left the juice in a closet for it to ferment.

 

ANCHOR

Do you see it—

 

B.J.

I can feel the Herpes climbing into my vagina from this place.

 

ANCHOR

I’m sure it’s not the first time.  BJ, has the lack of gifts to keep you quiet affected your sexual relationship with one another?

 

B.J.

Yes it has.  I have even started making him pull out.

 

ANCHOR

A Bail Out, Pull Out Policy?

 

B.J.

Exactly.

 

ANCHOR

Do either of you see any end in sight?

 

B.J.
No, I’ve refused anal.

 

ANCHOR

Susan?

 

SUSAN KENDELL

It’s hard to say really.

 

ANCHOR

It must be hard saying anything when you always have a dick in your mouth.  BJ, any last thoughts?

 

B.J.

To put it simply, if you want to improve our economy you need to keep your bitch quiet.  If you want to do that, you are going to have to fork out some money to pork us.

 

SUSAN KENDELL

Agreed, fork to pork.  It is best for the economy.

 

ANCHOR

Thank you both for coming on the show.  Up next, a whorehouse in Nevada gets the clap so many times, it sounds like a round of applause.  Stay tuned.

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