Friday, July 31, 2009

Love is in the (Cleared Up) Air

After the much publicized beer with President Obama, Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. and Sgt. James Crowley have decided to have lunch together.

If that goes well, Sgt. Crowley will wait two days (so as not to seem desperate) and call professor Gates asking if he would see Julie & Julia with him and perhaps have dinner afterwards.  

Victoria's Secret

A Georgia woman was arrested for padding her bra with $13,000 worth of methamphetamine.

The woman told authorities "It gets hard to breast-feed with those teeth in the way."

The officer on the scene found the drugs while patting her down, and after seeing the success it had, put the meth in his pants.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Stuffy Sorority Sisters

Members of Alpha Kappa Alpha, the nations oldest black sorority, are outraged after the board of directors agreed to spend $900,000 on a wax figure of their president, Barbara McKinzie.  

President McKinzie is denying allegations of using the sorority credit card for "inappropriate expenses."

To make amends for this wrongdoing, the sorority will instead have President McKinzie stuffed by a taxidermist for $25.

There is no ill will toward President McKinzie and those who know her best say she is a real doll.

Masturbation.

On a personal note, I have been fiddling about with this blog and added some tools (see: Digg and Reddit tools to the left)

Now I realize there is no point for these, seeing as how no one is reading this blog and have come to the conclusion that I am simply playing with myself.  Ergo, the beautiful title.

Perfumigated

In a bank in Texas, 150 people became sick and 34 of them were taken to the hospital after a woman reportedly sprayed a perfume bottle.

The perfume was apparently "Jock Strap by Lance Armstrong."  The price of one ball with the smell of two.

Talibanter

A new book of rules has been issued by the Taliban to act as a code of conduct.  Among the new rules, one said to avoid the killing of civilians in suicide attacks.

Other rules said it is okay to wear white after Labor Day, and to always pull your clothing inside out before doing your laundry.

So you are an Elf. How does that make you feel?

Dr. Richard Graham in London is creating a movement that would let therapists and other mental health workers join World of Warcraft as therapy-giving avatars, so they could help treat  players addicted to the game.  

Dr. Graham stated "Joining World of Warcraft would be a great way for me to get my work done at home, help those in need, and watch lots of porn."


Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Kevin Faterline

Over the week, there has been a lot of talk about Kevin Federline's recent weight-gain.  Federline's ex-girlfriend Shar Jackson told US Magazine: 

"It's daddy weight! When you are a full time parent, sometimes you can't focus on you.  If gaining a few pounds is your only problem, life's not too bad!"

She later added:

"If you're Kevin Federline though, your life sucks and you should probably just give up."

Twi(t)light

A teenage girl in Texas has purchased the truck from the movie Twilight, and rents it out for charity.

The charity is apparently called "I have no friends"

Titillating Crime

A Mississippi woman wearing a bikini stole a car and then tried to rob an RV Dealership.

Employees became suspicious when they saw someone actually entering a car dealership.

Upon being demanded they give her money, the employees looked at the woman and laughed, claiming she had more money on her.

When police finally showed up, they arrived with handcuffs and whipped cream.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Peethon

A 14 foot python was found caught in a storm drain.

That's the last time I try to pee outside*



*I wish.

Pol(e)ice

In an attempt to provide and save jobs, the federal government is going to give $1 billion in grants to law enforcement agencies in every state to hire and rehire officers.

To make sure this plan pulls in as much money as possible, the government will also provide them with thongs and pole dancing lessons.

Vicktory

The NFL has reinstated Michael Vick, allowing him to play in two final preseason games, as well as participate in workouts, practices, and meetings.

There was one awkward moment however, when at one of the meetings Vick suggested they change the name "pig skins" to "those definitely aren't dog skins, I checked."

Vick stated in court that while in prison, he earned 12 cents an hour as an overnight janitor.

As if that weren't bad enough, his situation was worsened as a result of everyone in his hallway crapping themselves whenever they saw Michael Vick was a janitor.



Friday, July 24, 2009

Pornographics


Cnn has a real knack at this sorta thing.


Thursday, July 23, 2009

My Milkshake Brings All The Boys From Their Crib

Singer Kelis, known for her popular song "Milkshake," has just given birth to a boy.

Now the only time there will be a milkshake is if she does jumping jacks without a bra.

Microsoftly Going Under

Microsoft has finalized their new Windows 7.  Microsoft has stated that Windows 7 "relies on the same underpinnings of Microsoft Vista."

Apparently the only difference is with Windows 7, when you open the computer it just immediately tells you to buy a Mac instead of making you wait to find out.

Penile Justice

Today 44 people were arrested in an investigation of money laundering and public corruption in New Jersey, including 3 mayors and 5 rabbis.  One man even conspired to sell a human kidney for $160, 000.  

Oddly enough though, the circumcision was free.

Onion Part 3...

So, I didn't get the job..its not as bad as it seems..they got hundreds of applicants and only chose twelve people.  And, I can reapply.  So while I wait, I thought I would share with you, the world*, my application.

*Implies people read this.

The App worked like this-
10 Ideas for a news segment, in which I gave eleven to show I'm supery dupery* enthused, and one 2-3 page script based off of an idea submitted by them.

*Gay.

Here are the ten (eleven) ideas:

Christian lesbians complain depiction of Jesus not “butch” enough.

Report shows a group of butch lesbians with signs protesting around a church.  They  march in a circle screaming “Jesus Christ! Why so faggy!”  Interviews of several of the women follow, in which they compare his chest to being the size of their arms, and speak about wanting to follow a God that isn’t so wimpy.  “Look at that hair! Even if he had a vagina and no beard, I wouldn’t fuck him.”

 

The KKK, Save the Last K for Kreative

The KKK hold a contest where they add a fourth K to their name and ask for fans to come up with what it will stand for.  Interviews of KKK members in their garments follow.  They discuss how they are big fans of American Idol and liked the idea of using text messages to find a winner.  The prize for the person with the best idea is a burning K, and a prescription to Home and Garden Magazine.  When asked why that magazine, they said it was the whitest magazine out there.

 

Zoo closes after animals found to be people dressed in animal skins.

Piece interviews zoo owner who claimed not to know they were fake animals, then interviews the employees doing their best interpretations of the animals they are portraying in their skins.  The impressions are awful, some don’t even pretend to be an animal.  When asked why they did not just use the actual animals, instead of skinning them, employees replied “Its perfect for today’s economy.  We can now have animals that look great, and are able to interact with customers and sell t-shirts.  Regular animals are boring.”

 

Pornstar gets Crabs, still not good enough for The Deadliest Catch

In a misunderstanding, Shelley Shocker, hardcore porn actress, showed up on one of the boats from Discovery Channel’s television show The Deadliest Catch following a doctor’s appointment.  Told she had crabs, she tried to make some money by selling them to crew of the Cornelius Marie.  Though she did not get any money, she was able to prove her sealegs by shoving a king crab in her vagina.  The piece can also show her interaction with members of the crew, along with a pole dance from inside one of the crab cages.

 

Due to Recession, Asian and Latino gangs have had to join together, forming Chinco DeMayo

Interviews are held with the Asian gang leader and the Latino gang leader in the same room, talking about why it made sense financially for the two gangs to merge.  Then a series of clips depicting the transition period as the gang members learn each others’ habits. 

 

Brendan Frasier claims Recession has even impacted him; Losing Second Shift at IHOP.

Report on how Brendan Frasier and other various crappy actors see more struggle for work due to the current economic crisis.  Then an interview with a customer who’s breakfast was made by Brendan Frasier.  A thorough report on the breakfast would follow.  Also a list of other actors and their current jobs, like Tony Danza working at Bed, Bath & Beyond as a pillow fluffer.

 

People flock to Amish lifestyle during economic crisis and find new respect for gloryholes.  

Seeing the benefits of living without having to pay electricity bills, many city folk are now turning toward the Amish lifestyle.  “We are just like Tim Allen and Kirstie Allie in that movie!” As a result of the Amish smelling bad, the newcomers looking for a little action have started creating gloryholes, a much cheaper alternative to prostitution.  Clips will show the new Amish people working in the fields, plowing, and creating gloryholes from trees. 

 

Trojan adds new voice feature to condoms.

Trojan condoms have added a new audio feature to their design.  The new condoms will be able to tell you when they have broken “Mayday! We Need Backup!”, (another sound effect: a baby crying, and the song Who Let the Dogs Out plays) when you have ejaculated successfully without damaging the condom “No Babies: Check!” and “Sucsex!”, and even provide feedback “Seriously, that was 30 seconds”, “I think I can, I think I can”.   Voice options come in male, female, Chinese, Drill Instructor, and Kermit the Frog.

 

Scientists create true-to-life, “Jewy” representation of Jesus. 

Report shows how scientists came to create a true-to-life depiction of Jesus, including a Jewfro and hooknose.  Scientists started out with a picture of Woody Allen, which they then added robes and a beard to.  From there, they collected DNA samples and read historical texts to try to piece together what he may look like.

 

Standup Comedian learns Heckler really just had Turrets.

Piece shows the performance of a local standup comedian, who throughout his performance is being yelled and cursed at.  The comedian gets so frustrated he tells the man to come on to the stage, where they just go back and forth cursing at each other.  In a separate Barbara Walters-esque interview, the two have come together to speak about the event and apologize.  Halfway through it, the man with turrets starts again, and the two start fighting.

 

Youtube Sensation Takes Hits for Hits; Films Coma

Piece follows a 23-year-old man who considers himself an artist.  He became a youtube sensation after posting a video of kittens yawning.  The instant celebrity status became too much for him, and he created a new idea; for every hit on his video, he would take a hit to the head.  His eventual coma was also filmed and put on youtube, but people only watch hoping to see more kittens.


As for the script, the segment had to be about how the rough economy was effecting mistresses of businessmen.  Here it is:


AFFAIR AMOUNT OF PU$$Y                                                                         

 

ANCHOR

In today’s current economic climate, employees aren’t the only people getting laid (pauses) off.  With layoffs and cutbacks, many businessmen have had to cut other private expenses.  As a result, many mistresses of businessmen are getting the shaft, and not the kind between their legs, mouth, and anus.  Joining us in the studio is Susan Kendell, a mistress for an employee at GM.  Nice to meet you, Susan.

 

SUSAN KENDELL
Hello, nice to meet you.

 

ANCHOR

Now you have been a mistress for 11 years, is that right?

 

SUSAN KENDELL

That’s correct.

 

ANCHOR

How has the current economy affected your daily routine?

 

SUSAN KENDELL

It’s had quite a profound impact actually.  I think I speak for mistresses across America when I say that we are seeing a substantial decrease in monetary goods.  There is really almost no reason to keep quiet any longer.  The sex just isn’t worth it.

 

ANCHOR

I see.  Can you provide any examples?

 

SUSAN KENDELL

He came 30 seconds into it.

 

ANCHOR

And examples of a decrease in monetary goods?

 

SUSAN KENDELL

Last year for our tenth anniversary, my lover gave me this sterling silver diamond necklace from Tiffany’s.

 

ANCHOR

And this year?

 

Camera zooms out, she is sitting and holding a toy turtle.

 

 

SUSAN KENDELL

You wind this little button here and the legs move.

 

ANCHOR

Can you put it in water?

 

SUSAN KENDELL

I don’t know, I haven’t really tried.

 

ANCHOR

Was there anything else?

 

SUSAN KENDELL

Anal beads and a plate of hummus.

 

ANCHOR

No pita bread?

 

SUSAN KENDELL

No.

 

ANCHOR

Now Susan, you claim happy mistresses actually improve the economy is that right?

 

SUSAN KENDELL

Absolutely.  A recent study from Whorevard University (charts show on screen) showed that providing expensive presents to mistresses and gay lovers to keep them quiet, improves the economy due to the high rate of purchases.  Mistresses are not holes to put penises in, we are people with holes to put penises in.  And as such, there is a certain financial responsibility to be upheld.  If the gifts decrease, the economy suffers.

 

ANCHOR

Fascinating.  For more on the story, via satellite from a Super 8 Motel, we have BJ, a mistress for a CityGroup CEO.  She has agreed to be interviewed as long as we keep her anonymous, so we have taken the liberty to change her name and blur out her vagina.  (She sits in the dirty motel room, her pubic area all blurry) BJ, thank you for coming.  You must say that a lot.  Now BJ, would you agree with Susan’s claims that providing substantially lower monetary goods to mistresses actually worsens the economy?

 

B.J.

Absolutely.  Financially speaking, providing for affairs can create income for many businesses.  I used to meet my lover in the penthouse suite at The Hilton and be showered with jewelry and champagne.  That is a lot of money being spent.  Now however, we meet at a Super 8 Motel, and drink alcohol that he made himself.  He actually stomped grapes, and left the juice in a closet for it to ferment.

 

ANCHOR

Do you see it—

 

B.J.

I can feel the Herpes climbing into my vagina from this place.

 

ANCHOR

I’m sure it’s not the first time.  BJ, has the lack of gifts to keep you quiet affected your sexual relationship with one another?

 

B.J.

Yes it has.  I have even started making him pull out.

 

ANCHOR

A Bail Out, Pull Out Policy?

 

B.J.

Exactly.

 

ANCHOR

Do either of you see any end in sight?

 

B.J.
No, I’ve refused anal.

 

ANCHOR

Susan?

 

SUSAN KENDELL

It’s hard to say really.

 

ANCHOR

It must be hard saying anything when you always have a dick in your mouth.  BJ, any last thoughts?

 

B.J.

To put it simply, if you want to improve our economy you need to keep your bitch quiet.  If you want to do that, you are going to have to fork out some money to pork us.

 

SUSAN KENDELL

Agreed, fork to pork.  It is best for the economy.

 

ANCHOR

Thank you both for coming on the show.  Up next, a whorehouse in Nevada gets the clap so many times, it sounds like a round of applause.  Stay tuned.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

So much processed food news today

The Taco Bell Spokesdog has died today.

Taco Bell representatives have stated they are saddened by the news of her passing, but thrilled for the fresh meat.

Oscar De La Meyer: 1 Home: 0

The Oscar Meyer Wienermobile crashed into a home in Wisconsin while trying to back up, and cracked the foundation of the house.

Luckily the house was in Wisconsin, where just by walking into the house a person cracks the foundation.

Everyone in the home was unharmed, though the driver did suffer from some bite marks and ketchup stains.

Alli(bi)gator

A Philadelphia woman was warned by residents not to enter the second floor of their house because an alligator lived there, and when she went in she discovered a marijuana lab.

Police are still searching for the two people who lived on the floor, and are currently questioning an alligator with a serious case of the munchies.

Marriage is an Institution...Some should be Institutionalized

A new dating website has been launched called "Ron Paul Singles," where fans of the congressman can meet each other.

When asked about it Ron Paul stated "Even I think this is crazy."

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

G(et) M(om)

A Canadian child celebrating his third birthday, floated down a river for 7.8 miles riding on his  toy truck.

GM was reported as saying "We are absolutely thrilled.  This is the first time we have been called a Floater in a good way."

Spider Byte

The Military is currently developing robot-insect cyborgs to act as spies, which would allow the military to control insects by embedding them with cameras, microphones, even maneuvering their flight.  

This is a drastic improvement from their first insect themed draft -- The Daddy Long Legs.


Through its brute force, vast library of girly names, and ability to sign you up for little league when all you want to do is perform musical theatre, the Daddy Long Legs would be virtually unstoppable in detecting spies and more importantly, raise you to be a big strong man.

The Daddy Long Legs was put to a halt when the Scientists creating the project became too upset from constantly being called "Nerds" and "Pussies" and having their manhood questioned.  The Daddy Long Legs was known to have a temper, and would often show up to the lab drunk and abusive.

There are no known reports of resurfacing the Daddy Long Legs any time soon, though military officials have hinted that should the country be attacked by "Dancing Fairy Insurgents", the Daddy Long Legs might be brought back.

TV Guided

In Wednesday's hearing, Sonia Sotomayor cited an episode of the television show "Perry Mason" as an influence for her in becoming a prosecutor.  

On a related note, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford cited an episode of "Girls Gone Wild" and Telemundo as an influence for him.

Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's In My Bed

A 28 year old woman in Idaho has been accused of having sex with the 14 year old boy she was babysitting.

The boy refused to give a comment, but did extend his arms out for high fives.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Putting Anal Back in Root Canal

A man in Connecticut reportedly showed up to his dentist appointment completely naked.

Apparently there was some confusion as to which cavity he was having filled.

Instead of administering Laughing Gas, nurses handed the gentleman a full-length mirror and told him to look down.



Monday, July 13, 2009

Cats Control Humans

According to a study, household cats exercise control over their owners, through the use of "urgent--sounding, high--pitched" meows.

The use of high--pitched shrieking noises to get their way.  That is so unfamiliar.  This certainly gives a whole new meaning to the term  "pussy whipped"

Friday, July 10, 2009

(Moby) Dicks

The New York Times had a very interesting article today concerning Whales.  Ten pages about these beautiful creatures, with some really interesting facts in it.

But what I'm more concerned with is the pictures that went along with this article...

This is THE New York Times.  It has a reputation for being among the best newspapers out there.  Now I majored in Art in college.  I've taken the courses, learned the history, know the stuff.  I think it is a great idea to include artwork instead of just photographs.   I was however, a bit confused with the main pic of the article..



It's as if they told the Graphic Artist that today you can only use Microsoft Paint and your non-dominant hand.  Also, don't really try today.  Aw hell, spend two minutes tops.  Do you have a child?  Maybe let them do it.  


Perhaps to show the grandeur of such magnificent creatures you could, like..show us something that doesnt look like shit.  But then again, maybe I am being too judgmental..what else ya got Timesy?



Is that...Dandruff spewing from the Earth's asshole as thin pieces of turd gently float above?  Ten pages in this scientific article--okay, maybe one real whale would be a good idea.  Surely you have one picture of a real whale, right?




Um. That looks like the candy bar scene in Caddyshack.   Oh hey!  I think I see you actually trying to depict a whale.  Oh yes!  There it is!  I see it now!  How about maybe a little closer.




Ah, Much better.  Now personally, I rather enjoy this pic, and think of all of them, it's the best one out there.  After all, you have remained constant with your idea of dandruff and 2 Dimensional splotches--oh and look!  That person in the long sleeved shirt can actually touch the whale!  


What have we learned today?  Silhouette families traveling in their white boats should watch out for large blob-like shadows, because you never know when the Earth might shoot dandruff at you.  And watch out for floating poop.  Sometimes it just floats there in the vast ocean.  Also, if given the chance to touch a whale, jump on in and go for it. 

Things to Look Forward to Assuming I stop being a Cunt

I have slacked on this blog.  I do apologize.

This badboy will be go fullspeed ahead from now on.

That's probably a lie.

I do wish to mention one thing however.  This is not really a joke or important story at all (there are important stories on here?).  In fact its quite pointless (that seems about right), but considering I haven't written in a while, (and no one reads this anyway) I figured why the hell not (parentheses).

I usually don't remember my dreams.

That said, when I do, they are usually quite boring and uninteresting.  For example, I once had a dream about Hot Air balloons.  And that is it.  They just floated in the air...like a screensaver.  Just...hot air balloons...floating...that was it.  Does anyone still not understand?  Perhaps I should clarify.  Hot air balloons floating in the air.  Okay, good.

Last night, however, was a different story.

In my dream I went on IMDB (...shocking!).  While fiddling about (not masturbating..that is for a different dream) I managed to find a real life secret service agent.  Nowww things are getting interesting.  I found a spy!  I can't believe my discovery, so I click on his profile to see what things he has been in.  He's on IMDB after all, so he must have been in something.

After clicking, his profile shows up, and the only thing is says on the webpage is: The Martha Stewart Show.

Then I woke up.

My most exciting dream I can remember...ended with Martha Stewart.

It's almost as if you are watching a boxing match between two rival fighters and the second the bell rings, they hug each other.

We all need a hug every now and then.  Martha, if you are reading this, I'm still having a hard time securing my caning on my Mini Cornucopias but I must say, the seeded eucalyptus foliage from the Bradford pear trees with the golden winterberry holly was absolutely genius.