Tuesday, June 2, 2009

The Story of Passover

God:  Moses!

Moses:  Is that you my lord? I am not worthy!

God:  Moses, listen to me.  I have chosen you to lead your people to freedom.  But you must do everything I say.

Moses:  Yes, of course my lord.

God:  You must approach the Pharaoh and warn him.  For if he does not let your people free, ten plagues will fall upon the land.

Moses:  Ten plagues! That's genius, lord!

God:  Now listen closely.  The final plague will be the slaying of the first born.

Moses:  My, God!  That is wonderful--

God:  But we shall start off slowly.  First, I will turn all of the water into blood.

Moses:  Blood!  Oh, that is scary, that is good!  God, that will definitely get the point across--

God:  And then there will be frogs!

Moses:  Of course, there will be fr--what?

God:  Frogs.

Moses:  What do you mean, frogs?

God:  Frogs, lots and lots of frogs.

Moses:  Will they do something?

God:  They will hop.  Lots and lots of hop.

Moses:  I'm afraid I don't really understand...

God:  There's just a lot of frogs everywhere.

Moses:  Right, right.  I mean I understand that much.  Will they..be poisonous frogs?

God:  No.

Moses:  Just...frogs?

God:  Lots of them.  Hopping.

Moses:  Forgive me, my lord.  But that seems more like a..nuisance than a plague..

God:  Have you ever seen a frog?

Moses:  Yes.

God:  Scary right?

Moses:  No, not really, no.

God:  Lots of them, everywhere!

Moses:  I understand lots of them, yes.  You know what, let's go back to that blood thing.  That was a good idea, let's get some more of those going.

God:  Bloody frogs.

Moses:  I think we just need to leave the frog thing behind us.  It was a rough draft, now lets move on to bigger and better things.

God:  Bigger frogs.

Moses:  No frogs!

God:  Better frogs.

Moses:  No frogs!

God:  They hop a lot.

Moses:  I understand they hop a lot!

God:  Hippity hoppity.

Moses:  This is going nowhere.

Moses confronts the Pharaoh

Moses:  Pharaoh, if you don't let my people go, a series of ten plagues will fall upon the land!

Pharaoh:  You don't scare me, Moses!  Ha, ten plagues!  From who?  You?  And what might these awful plagues be?

Moses:  Your water will turn into blood.  Swarms of lice and wild animals that will destroy your people's homes and livestock.  Disease that will kill your livestock.  Incurable boils.  A terrible hail storm mixed with fire.  Swarms of locusts.  Total darkness.  The slaying of the first born child!  And...um...one other thing I can't really seem to recall--oh thats right..um..(mumbles) frrggss.

Pharaoh:  What was that last one?

Moses:  (mumbles) frrgss.

Pharaoh:  What?

Moses:  Frogs!  Fucking frogs!  There will be frogs everywhere!

Pharaoh:  Are they...poisonous frogs?

Moses:  No, they're not poisonous.  Just, frogs.  Hopping.

Pharaoh:  I could kick them off me if I needed to?

Moses:  You could, yes.

Pharaoh:  Just a lot of frogs?

Moses:  Just a lot of frogs, everywhere--whatever, look--9 out of 10 of those are badass okay.

Pharaoh:  I still don't really understand the whole frog thing?

Moses:  Look, it's not me.  I don't know what to tell you.  Let us go or there will be frogs, okay.  A lot of frogs.  Hopping everywhere.

Pharaoh:  That's the best you could come up with?

Moses:  It's not me!  I told him the frog thing was dumb.

Pharaoh:  Do they even have teeth?

Moses:  They've got that tongue, I don't know.

Pharaoh:  That tongue is pretty cool.

Moses:  It is pretty cool.  You're missing the point here.  Blood, disease, the slaying of the first born!

Pharaoh:  And frogs.

Moses:  You're focusing on the frog thing too much!  All that other shit is really bad.

Pharaoh:  All they do is hop.

Moses:  I don't know what to tell you.

Pharaoh:  Toads would be cooler.

Moses:  Toads would be coo--What the fuck are you talking about?  It's not a cool thing!  It's scary okay.  

Pharaoh:  I'm just saying, I'd rather have toads than frogs.

Moses:  I don't care what you want!  Will you let my people free?

Pharaoh:  Will you make it toads instead of frogs?

Moses:  There is no compromising here!  It's frogs. 

Pharaoh:  Then your people stay.

Moses:  God-dammit.  

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