Monday, June 29, 2009

Audience Doesn't Clap, Lets Tinkerbell Die

Audience members decided to take control of an elementary school production of "Peter Pan" in Miami, Florida.  As Tinkerbell, played by 5 year old Rachel, slowly grew closer to her death, Peter Pan quickly sprung to the audience. 

"If you believe in fairies clap your hands!"

The  audience did not budge.  There was an awkward silence among the two performers on the stage.  

"She was really quite annoying" Said one viewer of the performance.

"I was actually happy when she died.  I thought maybe this play would start getting good.  Then she pulls that clapping shit.  We all gasped at the thought of her coming back.  She was dreadful.  I think I speak for everyone in the audience, when I say we just didn't care about the stupid fairy."

According to Rachel's older brother "She sucked." 

Rachel's parents could not be reached but issued the following statement:

"We are deeply saddened by Rachel's performance.  We would have clapped had we been there, but we had already attended two dress rehearsals and really don't know how much more of that goddamn play a person can take before they gouge out their eyes and genitalia."

As Pan's request for applause was met with silence, Tinkerbell just pretended to be dead in the corner of the stage while the rest of the show continued on.

"From that point on, her acting got a lot better.  I think she'd be good at improv."

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Charles Darwin and His Oven-Mitt Slap of Importance

                                   Don't Make Libby Angry

Every now and then, this blog will have a piece called Charles Darwin and his Oven-Mitt Slap of Importance (much like the title above).  This is a little wake-up call for those who seem to be traveling in the opposite direction of Chuck D's theory on Natural Selection, and bringing all the rest of us down with them.

Today's Oven-Mitt Slap of Importance goes to none other than the famous Jon and Kate from that show, Jon and Kate Plus a Loose Vagina.  

Time and time again these two people have managed to show the world just how stupid human beings really are.   But they can't take all of the credit--oh no.  News networks, tabloids, this is as much yours as it is theirs, perhaps more-so.  Sure there is some shit going down in Iran, but really, who cares?  I heard Jon gave herpes to six of the eight children.  And what happened to the two that got away?  Well, according to hourly coverage from CNN, one has divorced from the family and moved into a Swedish Kibbutz, while the other has actually climbed back into Kate's cavernous vagina to have some alone time and try to complete a full sentence.  

So here's to Jon and Kate.  Well done, you two.  Where would we be without you and your constant bickering in our lives?

And more importantly, thank you News Industry.  You have once again proven to the rest of the world that we really only have the intelligence of a small squid, if that.  

Survival of the fittest can be put on hold for the time being.  I hear Jon has been sleeping with a transvestite with dandruff.  Kate better get her head out of Larry King's asshole long enough to give a response.

Wait--Anyone in Iran have eight kids?

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Bumblebee Tuna Fish: Match Made in Pussy Heaven

To get back into the swing of things I thought I would return to an idea I've been thinking more about as of late.  I briefly mentioned my thoughts on bumblebees in an earlier post, and have had some more time to think about them and their situation.

In all reality, these bugs really have been given the shaft in almost every way possible.  So it seems only fitting that bumblebees would be associated with tuna fish.  Really, it's a genius marketing move.  Maybe the best one ever.  Here we have the most emaciated bug being paired with the most emaciated fish.  

Really, what more could we possibly do to the tuna fish?  We take them out of the ocean--their natural environment, where they live--with giant nets, chop up their cunty smelling insides and stick them in a can.  Then, to add insult to injury, just to give them one last dig, we actually add water to the can.  Because fish need water.  Then we mix it with mayonnaise--pure fat in the lardiest sense possible--and feed it to shitty little children so they will shut up.  All of this for around 2 dollars.

We even eat it raw.  At least with cows they are like "Okay, sure you can cook us, but theres a line.  You cross it and your fucked.  You eat us raw, serious shits gonna go down.  There's bacteria and e coli, you can fucking die from eating us raw.  So have your field day with us in the oven, that's great, but there are boundaries.  Learn them."  This was of course translated from the original text "Moo, moo.  Moo.  Moo, moo.  Moooo, moooo, moo.  *Shit*."

But with tuna, they're just like "Um..theres high levels of mercury in it."  And really, how bad could that be?  After having anal or oral sex, I'd be able to look at my dick and tell you your temperature.  Hmm, you're a little below normal, you feeling alright?

I still eat it anyway.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Haven't Updated in A While

Been out of town.  Haven't updated.  Updating now.  Updated.  Still nobody reading.

All in all, a good post.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Onion..part 2?

A while ago I sent an application to The Onion to be a freelance writer (see earlier post-oh one reads this, fuck it).  I got one of those, currently there are no job automatic responses and thought that was it.  Earlier today I got an email from them asking me to submit some more material.  So now, without further ado, material...I wrote and chose not to send to them because I didn't like it as much as some of the other material I wrote. Hurray!

Warning: These aren't good.  They are bad.  Some of them awful.  Many incomplete. That's why they are here, on my blog that no one reads, instead of in the letter to The Onion that maybe one person will read.

People in small town create cars for birds and shit on them.

Rabbi beats Pope in race, tells him to “Suck it”

Halo character takes wrong type of headshot, becomes actor.

Zoo has first bipolar bear

Plaster model of Rush Limbaugh’s left breast on display  (I didn't finish this one..but the very sentence made me laugh)

Prepubescent PMS becomes epidemic in Daycare School.

Walmart Now Selling Jesus Blow Up Doll

Jesus returns to fulfill prophesy, but is too fascinated by corndogs to do anything

Pope invited to Israel, Spends whole day making Matzah Ball jokes

el shittay.

Monday, June 8, 2009

American Heroes: The Minutia Men, Part 1

America, 1775.  The land was on the verge of revolution.  The British had oppressed the colonialists for far too long.  It was time to stand up and fight.  Country folk and city men alike banded together to form a make-shift militia.  These men were up against a brute force.  But they had some advantages over the Redcoats.  These men knew the land...and...other things.  Some things less helpful than other things.  Some things not helpful at all.  Most things not very helpful, but discussed nonetheless.  These men were soldiers.  A militia with minutia.  A minutia-full militia.  These are our heroes.  This is America...1775.  You have to use your imagination a little...because it is 2009...and they did not have blogs in 1775.  I was not even born then.  I was born in 1987.  When Les Miserables opened on Broadway.  It was a Thursday.  I researched things that happened in 1987, and found that out.  It is also a book.  Many plays have been based on books.  Not Cats though.

April 18, 1775.  Paul Revere makes his famous midnight ride along the countryside warning others of the oncoming British invasion:

"The British are coming!  The British are coming!  I was out taking a stroll because I am not a heavy sleeper, and Sarah was shuffling around too much in her sleep!  I was already mad at her because she would not give me my usual 11:30 rubdown, as I am used to on Thursdays!  Last Thursday she was feeling ill with a stomach flu, and I opted to pass on the weekly rubdown for I did not want vomit upon my shaft!  So when this Thursday came, you can imagine my disdain when she told me she was feeling too tired and just wanted to go to sleep!  I told her I had already poured the candle wax on my chest and that it would simply harden and go to waste!  As I washed it off and headed to sleep, I was feeling quite angered!  Her tossing and turning only made things worse, and my sexual frustration became too much for me to bear! A walk was necessary!  I approached my horse and realized I did not tie a proper knot around his reigns!  How could I have been so foolish!  I reminded myself that this was a beautiful stallion, one which needs the utmost care!  This and the small pieces of hardened candle wax on my chest which I had somehow missed made me more angered!  I hopped on my horse and it was then I saw the British approaching!"

It is said that by the time Revere made it to the third town over, he collapsed due to lightheadedness.  For brevity's sake, most historians simply shorten it to: "The British are coming!  The British are coming!"

To be continued....

Hint: America wins the war

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Mission Statement: To Boldly Go Where Other People Have Gone Before And Managed To Be More Successful At Than Me

Jokes.  *Funny Stories.  Ramblings.  Whatever else.

12 posts in, seems like a good idea to put one of these in there.

Oh one is reading this anyway.

Itchy bum.

*Not funny

If I Were Ruler Of The Insect World

Butterflies will change their name to Clogged-Artery Flies

Moths will be known as I Can't Believe it's Not Butterflies

Millipedes will finally be reunited with Vanillipedes 

Insects will have to light incense when having incest in sex.  

Spiders will-- aw, fuck it.  Kill them all.

Wasps will be forced to wear Banana Republic sweaters around their shoulders and go to Cape Cod in the summer.

Bumble Bees will be given an even gayer name, instead going by Feathery Plume Higgins Freckle Bees.

The only time the name Daddy Long Legs should ever be referenced, is when having sex with me.  Also appropriate: Dung Beetle.

Earthworms will be encased in a jar, and shoved up the vagina of a certain famous lady.  They will forever be known as, Urtha Kittworms.

Editors Note:  Had no idea she died this year.

Due to the recent economy, houseflies will become foreclosureflies.

Because of the popularity of Disney movies in the bug world, all Ladybugs will get Tramp-stamps.

The female praying mantis will no longer decapitate and eat the male praying mantis after reproduction, realizing that marriage is a far more painful way to die.

Mosquitos will no longer be bloodsuckers when they realize that people already have Fox News.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Bittersweet Simphony..I don't even like that song

Jesus (read as Hey Zeus) Sanchez, 15, was playing video games and eating snacks in his parents basement on the night of October the 23rd.  He had been playing the interactive game, The Sims, when his character, George, a male by the age of 19, decided to attend a party.  The party was held by George's crush, Stacy.  There was digital drinking at this party, and Jesus found himself at a personal quandary - would he make George leave the party because he was not of legal avatar age, thereby completely blowing his chances with Stacy (who was at best technologically tipsy), or would he put all of his morals aside and get digitally drunk for the first time.

As the green diamond hovered over George, Jesus took another handful of cheetohs and started to weigh out his options.  If the party were busted by the pixilated police and George were to be caught, it would be goodbye to his lacrosse scholarship.  But if he stayed, George could finally get with Stacy and get a little computer cootch.  Jesus popped a lifesaver mint in his mouth, and started thinking.  Mmm wintergreen.  A decision had to be made.

"Alright" thought Jesus.  His decision was final.  George slowly turned around and headed toward the keg.  As he reached the top of his red cup overflowing with beer, he saw her.   Stacy.  The most beautiful girl at the party.  And what's this?  What...what is she doing?  What was her fuzzy digital head doing with that other guy?  Was that Tim?  From the lacrosse team?  How could he make out with her?  He knew about George's infatuation with her!  Jesus was furious.  He bit his lip in a fit of rage, and gasped at the pain.  As he gasped, his lifesaver shot straight back into his esophagus.  Jesus couldn't breath.  He lept to his feet, grabbing his neck, trying anything he could to get the lifesaver out.  A few seconds later he collapsed to the floor.  He had choked to death on a lifesaver.

We will never know what happened to George.  Did he confront Tim?  Did he ever tell Stacy how he felt about her?  We will never know for sure.  One thing is certain however.  In the story of Mr. Sanchez, Jesus died for our Sims.

Thursday, June 4, 2009


Person 1:  You know what they say, sometimes you just have to grab the bull by the balls--

Person 2:  Horns.

Person 1:  What?

Person 2:  Horns.  You grab the bull by the horns.

Person 1:  So the balls are okay to grab?

Person 2:  I wouldn't say okay.  I don't think it would be okay to grab any animal by the balls.  Why would you even think that?

Person 1:  Because that's their job.

Person 2:  What?

Person 1:  A matador.  

Person 2:  Their job is to grab testicles.

Person 1:  No, no.  They have to get to the floor.

Person 2:  What are you talking about?

Person 1:  Like a mat at a door.  You know, on the ground.

Person 2:  I hope you die a painful death.

Person 1:  Would it be...gore-y?

Person 2:  Seriously, just kill yourself.

Time Line

1986: Revolutionary punk rock band The Clash break up because they can not coordinate their wardrobes.

Image-in That

Posts can also be short..

If I were a lawyer:

Me: Your Honor, I object!

Judge: On what grounds?

Me: Hardwood Floor!

The evil chipwich cast a spell on me, now I've lost my Good Humor.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

The Story of Passover

God:  Moses!

Moses:  Is that you my lord? I am not worthy!

God:  Moses, listen to me.  I have chosen you to lead your people to freedom.  But you must do everything I say.

Moses:  Yes, of course my lord.

God:  You must approach the Pharaoh and warn him.  For if he does not let your people free, ten plagues will fall upon the land.

Moses:  Ten plagues! That's genius, lord!

God:  Now listen closely.  The final plague will be the slaying of the first born.

Moses:  My, God!  That is wonderful--

God:  But we shall start off slowly.  First, I will turn all of the water into blood.

Moses:  Blood!  Oh, that is scary, that is good!  God, that will definitely get the point across--

God:  And then there will be frogs!

Moses:  Of course, there will be fr--what?

God:  Frogs.

Moses:  What do you mean, frogs?

God:  Frogs, lots and lots of frogs.

Moses:  Will they do something?

God:  They will hop.  Lots and lots of hop.

Moses:  I'm afraid I don't really understand...

God:  There's just a lot of frogs everywhere.

Moses:  Right, right.  I mean I understand that much.  Will poisonous frogs?

God:  No.

Moses:  Just...frogs?

God:  Lots of them.  Hopping.

Moses:  Forgive me, my lord.  But that seems more like a..nuisance than a plague..

God:  Have you ever seen a frog?

Moses:  Yes.

God:  Scary right?

Moses:  No, not really, no.

God:  Lots of them, everywhere!

Moses:  I understand lots of them, yes.  You know what, let's go back to that blood thing.  That was a good idea, let's get some more of those going.

God:  Bloody frogs.

Moses:  I think we just need to leave the frog thing behind us.  It was a rough draft, now lets move on to bigger and better things.

God:  Bigger frogs.

Moses:  No frogs!

God:  Better frogs.

Moses:  No frogs!

God:  They hop a lot.

Moses:  I understand they hop a lot!

God:  Hippity hoppity.

Moses:  This is going nowhere.

Moses confronts the Pharaoh

Moses:  Pharaoh, if you don't let my people go, a series of ten plagues will fall upon the land!

Pharaoh:  You don't scare me, Moses!  Ha, ten plagues!  From who?  You?  And what might these awful plagues be?

Moses:  Your water will turn into blood.  Swarms of lice and wild animals that will destroy your people's homes and livestock.  Disease that will kill your livestock.  Incurable boils.  A terrible hail storm mixed with fire.  Swarms of locusts.  Total darkness.  The slaying of the first born child! other thing I can't really seem to recall--oh thats frrggss.

Pharaoh:  What was that last one?

Moses:  (mumbles) frrgss.

Pharaoh:  What?

Moses:  Frogs!  Fucking frogs!  There will be frogs everywhere!

Pharaoh:  Are they...poisonous frogs?

Moses:  No, they're not poisonous.  Just, frogs.  Hopping.

Pharaoh:  I could kick them off me if I needed to?

Moses:  You could, yes.

Pharaoh:  Just a lot of frogs?

Moses:  Just a lot of frogs, everywhere--whatever, look--9 out of 10 of those are badass okay.

Pharaoh:  I still don't really understand the whole frog thing?

Moses:  Look, it's not me.  I don't know what to tell you.  Let us go or there will be frogs, okay.  A lot of frogs.  Hopping everywhere.

Pharaoh:  That's the best you could come up with?

Moses:  It's not me!  I told him the frog thing was dumb.

Pharaoh:  Do they even have teeth?

Moses:  They've got that tongue, I don't know.

Pharaoh:  That tongue is pretty cool.

Moses:  It is pretty cool.  You're missing the point here.  Blood, disease, the slaying of the first born!

Pharaoh:  And frogs.

Moses:  You're focusing on the frog thing too much!  All that other shit is really bad.

Pharaoh:  All they do is hop.

Moses:  I don't know what to tell you.

Pharaoh:  Toads would be cooler.

Moses:  Toads would be coo--What the fuck are you talking about?  It's not a cool thing!  It's scary okay.  

Pharaoh:  I'm just saying, I'd rather have toads than frogs.

Moses:  I don't care what you want!  Will you let my people free?

Pharaoh:  Will you make it toads instead of frogs?

Moses:  There is no compromising here!  It's frogs. 

Pharaoh:  Then your people stay.

Moses:  God-dammit.  

Monday, June 1, 2009

My Letter to The Onion

To put it simply, I have no previous writing experiences.  My tabula is rasa.  I, like every other college graduate, have spent four years studying to get stuck in that limbo of trying to find a job, while not having the 2+ years experience necessary to have a job.  I have no real insight or status within the industry, though if you were to google my name, you will find an elderly gentleman who resembles one part Falcon, one part Priest, and all part salt and peppery goodness.  He can pull off a blazer like the very best of them and I can only hope that when I am his age, I too can model sweaters for a talent agency out of Colorado.  The air is so crisp there.

            So why should you even bother reading this?  Truth be told, I haven’t a clue.  But assuming I still have you with me, which might be a big assumption, I figured I’d share some of my ideas. 


Man Learns Sign Language with Audio Tape


Youth in Asia Refuse Euthanasia


Diabetic Woman Has SugarDaddy


Man takes Tylenol PMS to try and sleep but just stays awake complaining about how tender his breasts are.


Amoeba McEntire is discovered in a lab and deemed “world’s smallest singer.”


Oh how I do love the pun (I apologize for those.  It was a terrible, terrible decision on my part).  On a more serious note, I am looking to get into the business, and being a freelance writer for The Onion seems like a great place for me to get my start.  I recently graduated from the University of Wisconsin, and -- BLAH BLAH BLAH -- cunty stuff from there.

I like posts that simply require Copy and Paste.