Monday, September 14, 2009

Hollywood InsideHer

2 Hollywood producers have been found guilty on charges of bribery and money laundering in Thailand. The two could face more than 10 years in prison.

Apparently Bill Clinton has already volunteered himself to travel to Thailand, stating "I'm well acquainted with the Thai, I just want a happy ending."


Thursday, September 10, 2009

Maybe they are slow because they are pigeon-toed?

A South African company proved it was faster to transmit data using a carrier pigeon than to send data using the country's leading internet service provider.

In lieu of this shocking news, South Africans are now having birds deliver all of their internet needs. Thus, porn will be delivered through a service called "Spread Eagle."

Technology can be Overbearing

Florida researchers are able to track a bears' movements by tranquilizing them and fitting them with a GPS collar. The collar uses cell phone technology and sends a text message every 15 minutes.

With this and 3 bear judges, we will have our new Bear Idol any day.

Other Things Rep. Joe Wilson Considered Yelling Before He Settled on "You Lie"

Liar, liar, pants on fire!

This is just my talking voice!

I enjoy mustard on my hotdog, not ketchup!

Someone put a stick up my rectum and now the painkillers are wearing off and I'm starting to feel it!

Why is Margaritaville so damn catchy!

The straw for my Capri-Sun won't go through!

I can't possibly imagine screaming at the President to be a bad idea!

Dibs!

My Snapple tastes like urine!

John McCain just peed in my Snapple!

I have to fart but will suppress the noise with screaming!

I didn't plug in my Tivo!

I'll give anyone five dollars right now if they can say Caucus without laughing!

I doubt anyone will be watching this!

You owe me one Sanford!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

You Got to feel it, It's Electric! Boogie Woogie Woogie

Pamela Anderson is now dating an electrician she met in a trailer park.

Trying to up the ante in who could be more White Trash, Anderson's Ex Kid Rock is now dating a half empty keg of Natty Ice that smells like chewing tobacco.

In related news, the electrician's sister is now looking for a new person to sleep with.

When asked for a comment, fellow ex-husband Tommy Lee stated "It's bad when I'm your peak." He then proceeded to perform ring toss tricks with his penis for 45 minutes.

Alternative title for this post using lyrics from the Electric Slide:
Any of them. I think they are singing about a penis that likes to pop out and scare people with an adorable ghost impression. Boogie woogie woogie.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

This is a bad joke

President Obama delivered a "Back to School" speech, in which he urged students across the nation to study hard and stay in school.

The President had an awkward moment when one student raised his hand and asked whether "cooties" would be covered in his health insurance policy.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Lingering Too Long

Super amazing band The Cranberries will be creating a new album in 2010.

This news is particularly great for those people who like to press "skip" on their iPod and question why they have the music they do.

Sometimes I lie about writing on this blog

I have brown eyes.

See, that's another lie. If you didn't understand the process, I actually have blue eyes, but said I have brown, thereby misleading you.

Much like the above statement, my only blog entry in August (See: Only Blog Entry of August below) was a lie. I said I would start writing again, and I did not. Said brown, actually blue.

Lies are proverbial warts that appear on the genitals of language. I have decided not to double check whether that sentence makes any sense in hopes that with the introduction of genitals, I have once again redeemed myself with my fan base.

Also, I don't have a fan base, so all is well with the world.

Hey September, you lookin' real sexy.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Shit, it's been August for a while...

I have once again redeemed the title of Asshole Blogger after not having written on this in a few weeks. I do apologize.

On a positive note, after being dragged to see Julie & Julia, I have learned that with great blog comes great success, and more importantly, I have found myself pondering what Julia Child sounded like in bed. (A horse with a snorkel)

This movie shows a woman with a blog that actually becomes wildly successful and gains readers, yet it claims to be based on a true story. Which leads me to...

The #1 thing I have learned:

Movies Lie.


Blog will be up to it's usual business tomorrow.

Or..you know, it won't. Whichever comes first.

I too, can now thank Julia Child. Her life inspired some woman to make a blog which inspired me to update my blog which in reality is not accomplishing much.

Thanks J.C.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Love is in the (Cleared Up) Air

After the much publicized beer with President Obama, Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. and Sgt. James Crowley have decided to have lunch together.

If that goes well, Sgt. Crowley will wait two days (so as not to seem desperate) and call professor Gates asking if he would see Julie & Julia with him and perhaps have dinner afterwards.  

Victoria's Secret

A Georgia woman was arrested for padding her bra with $13,000 worth of methamphetamine.

The woman told authorities "It gets hard to breast-feed with those teeth in the way."

The officer on the scene found the drugs while patting her down, and after seeing the success it had, put the meth in his pants.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Stuffy Sorority Sisters

Members of Alpha Kappa Alpha, the nations oldest black sorority, are outraged after the board of directors agreed to spend $900,000 on a wax figure of their president, Barbara McKinzie.  

President McKinzie is denying allegations of using the sorority credit card for "inappropriate expenses."

To make amends for this wrongdoing, the sorority will instead have President McKinzie stuffed by a taxidermist for $25.

There is no ill will toward President McKinzie and those who know her best say she is a real doll.

Masturbation.

On a personal note, I have been fiddling about with this blog and added some tools (see: Digg and Reddit tools to the left)

Now I realize there is no point for these, seeing as how no one is reading this blog and have come to the conclusion that I am simply playing with myself.  Ergo, the beautiful title.

Perfumigated

In a bank in Texas, 150 people became sick and 34 of them were taken to the hospital after a woman reportedly sprayed a perfume bottle.

The perfume was apparently "Jock Strap by Lance Armstrong."  The price of one ball with the smell of two.

Talibanter

A new book of rules has been issued by the Taliban to act as a code of conduct.  Among the new rules, one said to avoid the killing of civilians in suicide attacks.

Other rules said it is okay to wear white after Labor Day, and to always pull your clothing inside out before doing your laundry.

So you are an Elf. How does that make you feel?

Dr. Richard Graham in London is creating a movement that would let therapists and other mental health workers join World of Warcraft as therapy-giving avatars, so they could help treat  players addicted to the game.  

Dr. Graham stated "Joining World of Warcraft would be a great way for me to get my work done at home, help those in need, and watch lots of porn."


Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Kevin Faterline

Over the week, there has been a lot of talk about Kevin Federline's recent weight-gain.  Federline's ex-girlfriend Shar Jackson told US Magazine: 

"It's daddy weight! When you are a full time parent, sometimes you can't focus on you.  If gaining a few pounds is your only problem, life's not too bad!"

She later added:

"If you're Kevin Federline though, your life sucks and you should probably just give up."

Twi(t)light

A teenage girl in Texas has purchased the truck from the movie Twilight, and rents it out for charity.

The charity is apparently called "I have no friends"

Titillating Crime

A Mississippi woman wearing a bikini stole a car and then tried to rob an RV Dealership.

Employees became suspicious when they saw someone actually entering a car dealership.

Upon being demanded they give her money, the employees looked at the woman and laughed, claiming she had more money on her.

When police finally showed up, they arrived with handcuffs and whipped cream.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Peethon

A 14 foot python was found caught in a storm drain.

That's the last time I try to pee outside*



*I wish.

Pol(e)ice

In an attempt to provide and save jobs, the federal government is going to give $1 billion in grants to law enforcement agencies in every state to hire and rehire officers.

To make sure this plan pulls in as much money as possible, the government will also provide them with thongs and pole dancing lessons.

Vicktory

The NFL has reinstated Michael Vick, allowing him to play in two final preseason games, as well as participate in workouts, practices, and meetings.

There was one awkward moment however, when at one of the meetings Vick suggested they change the name "pig skins" to "those definitely aren't dog skins, I checked."

Vick stated in court that while in prison, he earned 12 cents an hour as an overnight janitor.

As if that weren't bad enough, his situation was worsened as a result of everyone in his hallway crapping themselves whenever they saw Michael Vick was a janitor.



Friday, July 24, 2009

Pornographics


Cnn has a real knack at this sorta thing.


Thursday, July 23, 2009

My Milkshake Brings All The Boys From Their Crib

Singer Kelis, known for her popular song "Milkshake," has just given birth to a boy.

Now the only time there will be a milkshake is if she does jumping jacks without a bra.

Microsoftly Going Under

Microsoft has finalized their new Windows 7.  Microsoft has stated that Windows 7 "relies on the same underpinnings of Microsoft Vista."

Apparently the only difference is with Windows 7, when you open the computer it just immediately tells you to buy a Mac instead of making you wait to find out.

Penile Justice

Today 44 people were arrested in an investigation of money laundering and public corruption in New Jersey, including 3 mayors and 5 rabbis.  One man even conspired to sell a human kidney for $160, 000.  

Oddly enough though, the circumcision was free.

Onion Part 3...

So, I didn't get the job..its not as bad as it seems..they got hundreds of applicants and only chose twelve people.  And, I can reapply.  So while I wait, I thought I would share with you, the world*, my application.

*Implies people read this.

The App worked like this-
10 Ideas for a news segment, in which I gave eleven to show I'm supery dupery* enthused, and one 2-3 page script based off of an idea submitted by them.

*Gay.

Here are the ten (eleven) ideas:

Christian lesbians complain depiction of Jesus not “butch” enough.

Report shows a group of butch lesbians with signs protesting around a church.  They  march in a circle screaming “Jesus Christ! Why so faggy!”  Interviews of several of the women follow, in which they compare his chest to being the size of their arms, and speak about wanting to follow a God that isn’t so wimpy.  “Look at that hair! Even if he had a vagina and no beard, I wouldn’t fuck him.”

 

The KKK, Save the Last K for Kreative

The KKK hold a contest where they add a fourth K to their name and ask for fans to come up with what it will stand for.  Interviews of KKK members in their garments follow.  They discuss how they are big fans of American Idol and liked the idea of using text messages to find a winner.  The prize for the person with the best idea is a burning K, and a prescription to Home and Garden Magazine.  When asked why that magazine, they said it was the whitest magazine out there.

 

Zoo closes after animals found to be people dressed in animal skins.

Piece interviews zoo owner who claimed not to know they were fake animals, then interviews the employees doing their best interpretations of the animals they are portraying in their skins.  The impressions are awful, some don’t even pretend to be an animal.  When asked why they did not just use the actual animals, instead of skinning them, employees replied “Its perfect for today’s economy.  We can now have animals that look great, and are able to interact with customers and sell t-shirts.  Regular animals are boring.”

 

Pornstar gets Crabs, still not good enough for The Deadliest Catch

In a misunderstanding, Shelley Shocker, hardcore porn actress, showed up on one of the boats from Discovery Channel’s television show The Deadliest Catch following a doctor’s appointment.  Told she had crabs, she tried to make some money by selling them to crew of the Cornelius Marie.  Though she did not get any money, she was able to prove her sealegs by shoving a king crab in her vagina.  The piece can also show her interaction with members of the crew, along with a pole dance from inside one of the crab cages.

 

Due to Recession, Asian and Latino gangs have had to join together, forming Chinco DeMayo

Interviews are held with the Asian gang leader and the Latino gang leader in the same room, talking about why it made sense financially for the two gangs to merge.  Then a series of clips depicting the transition period as the gang members learn each others’ habits. 

 

Brendan Frasier claims Recession has even impacted him; Losing Second Shift at IHOP.

Report on how Brendan Frasier and other various crappy actors see more struggle for work due to the current economic crisis.  Then an interview with a customer who’s breakfast was made by Brendan Frasier.  A thorough report on the breakfast would follow.  Also a list of other actors and their current jobs, like Tony Danza working at Bed, Bath & Beyond as a pillow fluffer.

 

People flock to Amish lifestyle during economic crisis and find new respect for gloryholes.  

Seeing the benefits of living without having to pay electricity bills, many city folk are now turning toward the Amish lifestyle.  “We are just like Tim Allen and Kirstie Allie in that movie!” As a result of the Amish smelling bad, the newcomers looking for a little action have started creating gloryholes, a much cheaper alternative to prostitution.  Clips will show the new Amish people working in the fields, plowing, and creating gloryholes from trees. 

 

Trojan adds new voice feature to condoms.

Trojan condoms have added a new audio feature to their design.  The new condoms will be able to tell you when they have broken “Mayday! We Need Backup!”, (another sound effect: a baby crying, and the song Who Let the Dogs Out plays) when you have ejaculated successfully without damaging the condom “No Babies: Check!” and “Sucsex!”, and even provide feedback “Seriously, that was 30 seconds”, “I think I can, I think I can”.   Voice options come in male, female, Chinese, Drill Instructor, and Kermit the Frog.

 

Scientists create true-to-life, “Jewy” representation of Jesus. 

Report shows how scientists came to create a true-to-life depiction of Jesus, including a Jewfro and hooknose.  Scientists started out with a picture of Woody Allen, which they then added robes and a beard to.  From there, they collected DNA samples and read historical texts to try to piece together what he may look like.

 

Standup Comedian learns Heckler really just had Turrets.

Piece shows the performance of a local standup comedian, who throughout his performance is being yelled and cursed at.  The comedian gets so frustrated he tells the man to come on to the stage, where they just go back and forth cursing at each other.  In a separate Barbara Walters-esque interview, the two have come together to speak about the event and apologize.  Halfway through it, the man with turrets starts again, and the two start fighting.

 

Youtube Sensation Takes Hits for Hits; Films Coma

Piece follows a 23-year-old man who considers himself an artist.  He became a youtube sensation after posting a video of kittens yawning.  The instant celebrity status became too much for him, and he created a new idea; for every hit on his video, he would take a hit to the head.  His eventual coma was also filmed and put on youtube, but people only watch hoping to see more kittens.


As for the script, the segment had to be about how the rough economy was effecting mistresses of businessmen.  Here it is:


AFFAIR AMOUNT OF PU$$Y                                                                         

 

ANCHOR

In today’s current economic climate, employees aren’t the only people getting laid (pauses) off.  With layoffs and cutbacks, many businessmen have had to cut other private expenses.  As a result, many mistresses of businessmen are getting the shaft, and not the kind between their legs, mouth, and anus.  Joining us in the studio is Susan Kendell, a mistress for an employee at GM.  Nice to meet you, Susan.

 

SUSAN KENDELL
Hello, nice to meet you.

 

ANCHOR

Now you have been a mistress for 11 years, is that right?

 

SUSAN KENDELL

That’s correct.

 

ANCHOR

How has the current economy affected your daily routine?

 

SUSAN KENDELL

It’s had quite a profound impact actually.  I think I speak for mistresses across America when I say that we are seeing a substantial decrease in monetary goods.  There is really almost no reason to keep quiet any longer.  The sex just isn’t worth it.

 

ANCHOR

I see.  Can you provide any examples?

 

SUSAN KENDELL

He came 30 seconds into it.

 

ANCHOR

And examples of a decrease in monetary goods?

 

SUSAN KENDELL

Last year for our tenth anniversary, my lover gave me this sterling silver diamond necklace from Tiffany’s.

 

ANCHOR

And this year?

 

Camera zooms out, she is sitting and holding a toy turtle.

 

 

SUSAN KENDELL

You wind this little button here and the legs move.

 

ANCHOR

Can you put it in water?

 

SUSAN KENDELL

I don’t know, I haven’t really tried.

 

ANCHOR

Was there anything else?

 

SUSAN KENDELL

Anal beads and a plate of hummus.

 

ANCHOR

No pita bread?

 

SUSAN KENDELL

No.

 

ANCHOR

Now Susan, you claim happy mistresses actually improve the economy is that right?

 

SUSAN KENDELL

Absolutely.  A recent study from Whorevard University (charts show on screen) showed that providing expensive presents to mistresses and gay lovers to keep them quiet, improves the economy due to the high rate of purchases.  Mistresses are not holes to put penises in, we are people with holes to put penises in.  And as such, there is a certain financial responsibility to be upheld.  If the gifts decrease, the economy suffers.

 

ANCHOR

Fascinating.  For more on the story, via satellite from a Super 8 Motel, we have BJ, a mistress for a CityGroup CEO.  She has agreed to be interviewed as long as we keep her anonymous, so we have taken the liberty to change her name and blur out her vagina.  (She sits in the dirty motel room, her pubic area all blurry) BJ, thank you for coming.  You must say that a lot.  Now BJ, would you agree with Susan’s claims that providing substantially lower monetary goods to mistresses actually worsens the economy?

 

B.J.

Absolutely.  Financially speaking, providing for affairs can create income for many businesses.  I used to meet my lover in the penthouse suite at The Hilton and be showered with jewelry and champagne.  That is a lot of money being spent.  Now however, we meet at a Super 8 Motel, and drink alcohol that he made himself.  He actually stomped grapes, and left the juice in a closet for it to ferment.

 

ANCHOR

Do you see it—

 

B.J.

I can feel the Herpes climbing into my vagina from this place.

 

ANCHOR

I’m sure it’s not the first time.  BJ, has the lack of gifts to keep you quiet affected your sexual relationship with one another?

 

B.J.

Yes it has.  I have even started making him pull out.

 

ANCHOR

A Bail Out, Pull Out Policy?

 

B.J.

Exactly.

 

ANCHOR

Do either of you see any end in sight?

 

B.J.
No, I’ve refused anal.

 

ANCHOR

Susan?

 

SUSAN KENDELL

It’s hard to say really.

 

ANCHOR

It must be hard saying anything when you always have a dick in your mouth.  BJ, any last thoughts?

 

B.J.

To put it simply, if you want to improve our economy you need to keep your bitch quiet.  If you want to do that, you are going to have to fork out some money to pork us.

 

SUSAN KENDELL

Agreed, fork to pork.  It is best for the economy.

 

ANCHOR

Thank you both for coming on the show.  Up next, a whorehouse in Nevada gets the clap so many times, it sounds like a round of applause.  Stay tuned.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

So much processed food news today

The Taco Bell Spokesdog has died today.

Taco Bell representatives have stated they are saddened by the news of her passing, but thrilled for the fresh meat.

Oscar De La Meyer: 1 Home: 0

The Oscar Meyer Wienermobile crashed into a home in Wisconsin while trying to back up, and cracked the foundation of the house.

Luckily the house was in Wisconsin, where just by walking into the house a person cracks the foundation.

Everyone in the home was unharmed, though the driver did suffer from some bite marks and ketchup stains.

Alli(bi)gator

A Philadelphia woman was warned by residents not to enter the second floor of their house because an alligator lived there, and when she went in she discovered a marijuana lab.

Police are still searching for the two people who lived on the floor, and are currently questioning an alligator with a serious case of the munchies.

Marriage is an Institution...Some should be Institutionalized

A new dating website has been launched called "Ron Paul Singles," where fans of the congressman can meet each other.

When asked about it Ron Paul stated "Even I think this is crazy."

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

G(et) M(om)

A Canadian child celebrating his third birthday, floated down a river for 7.8 miles riding on his  toy truck.

GM was reported as saying "We are absolutely thrilled.  This is the first time we have been called a Floater in a good way."

Spider Byte

The Military is currently developing robot-insect cyborgs to act as spies, which would allow the military to control insects by embedding them with cameras, microphones, even maneuvering their flight.  

This is a drastic improvement from their first insect themed draft -- The Daddy Long Legs.


Through its brute force, vast library of girly names, and ability to sign you up for little league when all you want to do is perform musical theatre, the Daddy Long Legs would be virtually unstoppable in detecting spies and more importantly, raise you to be a big strong man.

The Daddy Long Legs was put to a halt when the Scientists creating the project became too upset from constantly being called "Nerds" and "Pussies" and having their manhood questioned.  The Daddy Long Legs was known to have a temper, and would often show up to the lab drunk and abusive.

There are no known reports of resurfacing the Daddy Long Legs any time soon, though military officials have hinted that should the country be attacked by "Dancing Fairy Insurgents", the Daddy Long Legs might be brought back.

TV Guided

In Wednesday's hearing, Sonia Sotomayor cited an episode of the television show "Perry Mason" as an influence for her in becoming a prosecutor.  

On a related note, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford cited an episode of "Girls Gone Wild" and Telemundo as an influence for him.

Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's In My Bed

A 28 year old woman in Idaho has been accused of having sex with the 14 year old boy she was babysitting.

The boy refused to give a comment, but did extend his arms out for high fives.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Putting Anal Back in Root Canal

A man in Connecticut reportedly showed up to his dentist appointment completely naked.

Apparently there was some confusion as to which cavity he was having filled.

Instead of administering Laughing Gas, nurses handed the gentleman a full-length mirror and told him to look down.



Monday, July 13, 2009

Cats Control Humans

According to a study, household cats exercise control over their owners, through the use of "urgent--sounding, high--pitched" meows.

The use of high--pitched shrieking noises to get their way.  That is so unfamiliar.  This certainly gives a whole new meaning to the term  "pussy whipped"

Friday, July 10, 2009

(Moby) Dicks

The New York Times had a very interesting article today concerning Whales.  Ten pages about these beautiful creatures, with some really interesting facts in it.

But what I'm more concerned with is the pictures that went along with this article...

This is THE New York Times.  It has a reputation for being among the best newspapers out there.  Now I majored in Art in college.  I've taken the courses, learned the history, know the stuff.  I think it is a great idea to include artwork instead of just photographs.   I was however, a bit confused with the main pic of the article..



It's as if they told the Graphic Artist that today you can only use Microsoft Paint and your non-dominant hand.  Also, don't really try today.  Aw hell, spend two minutes tops.  Do you have a child?  Maybe let them do it.  


Perhaps to show the grandeur of such magnificent creatures you could, like..show us something that doesnt look like shit.  But then again, maybe I am being too judgmental..what else ya got Timesy?



Is that...Dandruff spewing from the Earth's asshole as thin pieces of turd gently float above?  Ten pages in this scientific article--okay, maybe one real whale would be a good idea.  Surely you have one picture of a real whale, right?




Um. That looks like the candy bar scene in Caddyshack.   Oh hey!  I think I see you actually trying to depict a whale.  Oh yes!  There it is!  I see it now!  How about maybe a little closer.




Ah, Much better.  Now personally, I rather enjoy this pic, and think of all of them, it's the best one out there.  After all, you have remained constant with your idea of dandruff and 2 Dimensional splotches--oh and look!  That person in the long sleeved shirt can actually touch the whale!  


What have we learned today?  Silhouette families traveling in their white boats should watch out for large blob-like shadows, because you never know when the Earth might shoot dandruff at you.  And watch out for floating poop.  Sometimes it just floats there in the vast ocean.  Also, if given the chance to touch a whale, jump on in and go for it. 

Things to Look Forward to Assuming I stop being a Cunt

I have slacked on this blog.  I do apologize.

This badboy will be go fullspeed ahead from now on.

That's probably a lie.

I do wish to mention one thing however.  This is not really a joke or important story at all (there are important stories on here?).  In fact its quite pointless (that seems about right), but considering I haven't written in a while, (and no one reads this anyway) I figured why the hell not (parentheses).

I usually don't remember my dreams.

That said, when I do, they are usually quite boring and uninteresting.  For example, I once had a dream about Hot Air balloons.  And that is it.  They just floated in the air...like a screensaver.  Just...hot air balloons...floating...that was it.  Does anyone still not understand?  Perhaps I should clarify.  Hot air balloons floating in the air.  Okay, good.

Last night, however, was a different story.

In my dream I went on IMDB (...shocking!).  While fiddling about (not masturbating..that is for a different dream) I managed to find a real life secret service agent.  Nowww things are getting interesting.  I found a spy!  I can't believe my discovery, so I click on his profile to see what things he has been in.  He's on IMDB after all, so he must have been in something.

After clicking, his profile shows up, and the only thing is says on the webpage is: The Martha Stewart Show.

Then I woke up.

My most exciting dream I can remember...ended with Martha Stewart.

It's almost as if you are watching a boxing match between two rival fighters and the second the bell rings, they hug each other.

We all need a hug every now and then.  Martha, if you are reading this, I'm still having a hard time securing my caning on my Mini Cornucopias but I must say, the seeded eucalyptus foliage from the Bradford pear trees with the golden winterberry holly was absolutely genius.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Audience Doesn't Clap, Lets Tinkerbell Die

Audience members decided to take control of an elementary school production of "Peter Pan" in Miami, Florida.  As Tinkerbell, played by 5 year old Rachel, slowly grew closer to her death, Peter Pan quickly sprung to the audience. 

"If you believe in fairies clap your hands!"

The  audience did not budge.  There was an awkward silence among the two performers on the stage.  

"She was really quite annoying" Said one viewer of the performance.

"I was actually happy when she died.  I thought maybe this play would start getting good.  Then she pulls that clapping shit.  We all gasped at the thought of her coming back.  She was dreadful.  I think I speak for everyone in the audience, when I say we just didn't care about the stupid fairy."

According to Rachel's older brother "She sucked." 

Rachel's parents could not be reached but issued the following statement:

"We are deeply saddened by Rachel's performance.  We would have clapped had we been there, but we had already attended two dress rehearsals and really don't know how much more of that goddamn play a person can take before they gouge out their eyes and genitalia."

As Pan's request for applause was met with silence, Tinkerbell just pretended to be dead in the corner of the stage while the rest of the show continued on.

"From that point on, her acting got a lot better.  I think she'd be good at improv."

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Charles Darwin and His Oven-Mitt Slap of Importance


                                   Don't Make Libby Angry


Every now and then, this blog will have a piece called Charles Darwin and his Oven-Mitt Slap of Importance (much like the title above).  This is a little wake-up call for those who seem to be traveling in the opposite direction of Chuck D's theory on Natural Selection, and bringing all the rest of us down with them.

Today's Oven-Mitt Slap of Importance goes to none other than the famous Jon and Kate from that show, Jon and Kate Plus a Loose Vagina.  

Time and time again these two people have managed to show the world just how stupid human beings really are.   But they can't take all of the credit--oh no.  News networks, tabloids, this is as much yours as it is theirs, perhaps more-so.  Sure there is some shit going down in Iran, but really, who cares?  I heard Jon gave herpes to six of the eight children.  And what happened to the two that got away?  Well, according to hourly coverage from CNN, one has divorced from the family and moved into a Swedish Kibbutz, while the other has actually climbed back into Kate's cavernous vagina to have some alone time and try to complete a full sentence.  

So here's to Jon and Kate.  Well done, you two.  Where would we be without you and your constant bickering in our lives?

And more importantly, thank you News Industry.  You have once again proven to the rest of the world that we really only have the intelligence of a small squid, if that.  

Survival of the fittest can be put on hold for the time being.  I hear Jon has been sleeping with a transvestite with dandruff.  Kate better get her head out of Larry King's asshole long enough to give a response.

Wait--Anyone in Iran have eight kids?

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Bumblebee Tuna Fish: Match Made in Pussy Heaven

To get back into the swing of things I thought I would return to an idea I've been thinking more about as of late.  I briefly mentioned my thoughts on bumblebees in an earlier post, and have had some more time to think about them and their situation.

In all reality, these bugs really have been given the shaft in almost every way possible.  So it seems only fitting that bumblebees would be associated with tuna fish.  Really, it's a genius marketing move.  Maybe the best one ever.  Here we have the most emaciated bug being paired with the most emaciated fish.  

Really, what more could we possibly do to the tuna fish?  We take them out of the ocean--their natural environment, where they live--with giant nets, chop up their cunty smelling insides and stick them in a can.  Then, to add insult to injury, just to give them one last dig, we actually add water to the can.  Because fish need water.  Then we mix it with mayonnaise--pure fat in the lardiest sense possible--and feed it to shitty little children so they will shut up.  All of this for around 2 dollars.

We even eat it raw.  At least with cows they are like "Okay, sure you can cook us, but theres a line.  You cross it and your fucked.  You eat us raw, serious shits gonna go down.  There's bacteria and e coli, you can fucking die from eating us raw.  So have your field day with us in the oven, that's great, but there are boundaries.  Learn them."  This was of course translated from the original text "Moo, moo.  Moo.  Moo, moo.  Moooo, moooo, moo.  *Shit*."

But with tuna, they're just like "Um..theres high levels of mercury in it."  And really, how bad could that be?  After having anal or oral sex, I'd be able to look at my dick and tell you your temperature.  Hmm, you're a little below normal, you feeling alright?

I still eat it anyway.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Haven't Updated in A While

Been out of town.  Haven't updated.  Updating now.  Updated.  Still nobody reading.

All in all, a good post.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Onion..part 2?

A while ago I sent an application to The Onion to be a freelance writer (see earlier post-oh wait..no one reads this, fuck it).  I got one of those, currently there are no job automatic responses and thought that was it.  Earlier today I got an email from them asking me to submit some more material.  So now, without further ado, material...I wrote and chose not to send to them because I didn't like it as much as some of the other material I wrote. Hurray!

Warning: These aren't good.  They are bad.  Some of them awful.  Many incomplete. That's why they are here, on my blog that no one reads, instead of in the letter to The Onion that maybe one person will read.

People in small town create cars for birds and shit on them.

Rabbi beats Pope in race, tells him to “Suck it”

Halo character takes wrong type of headshot, becomes actor.

Zoo has first bipolar bear

Plaster model of Rush Limbaugh’s left breast on display  (I didn't finish this one..but the very sentence made me laugh)

Prepubescent PMS becomes epidemic in Daycare School.

Walmart Now Selling Jesus Blow Up Doll

Jesus returns to fulfill prophesy, but is too fascinated by corndogs to do anything

Pope invited to Israel, Spends whole day making Matzah Ball jokes



el shittay.

Monday, June 8, 2009

American Heroes: The Minutia Men, Part 1

America, 1775.  The land was on the verge of revolution.  The British had oppressed the colonialists for far too long.  It was time to stand up and fight.  Country folk and city men alike banded together to form a make-shift militia.  These men were up against a brute force.  But they had some advantages over the Redcoats.  These men knew the land...and...other things.  Some things less helpful than other things.  Some things not helpful at all.  Most things not very helpful, but discussed nonetheless.  These men were soldiers.  A militia with minutia.  A minutia-full militia.  These are our heroes.  This is America...1775.  You have to use your imagination a little...because it is 2009...and they did not have blogs in 1775.  I was not even born then.  I was born in 1987.  When Les Miserables opened on Broadway.  It was a Thursday.  I researched things that happened in 1987, and found that out.  It is also a book.  Many plays have been based on books.  Not Cats though.

April 18, 1775.  Paul Revere makes his famous midnight ride along the countryside warning others of the oncoming British invasion:

"The British are coming!  The British are coming!  I was out taking a stroll because I am not a heavy sleeper, and Sarah was shuffling around too much in her sleep!  I was already mad at her because she would not give me my usual 11:30 rubdown, as I am used to on Thursdays!  Last Thursday she was feeling ill with a stomach flu, and I opted to pass on the weekly rubdown for I did not want vomit upon my shaft!  So when this Thursday came, you can imagine my disdain when she told me she was feeling too tired and just wanted to go to sleep!  I told her I had already poured the candle wax on my chest and that it would simply harden and go to waste!  As I washed it off and headed to sleep, I was feeling quite angered!  Her tossing and turning only made things worse, and my sexual frustration became too much for me to bear! A walk was necessary!  I approached my horse and realized I did not tie a proper knot around his reigns!  How could I have been so foolish!  I reminded myself that this was a beautiful stallion, one which needs the utmost care!  This and the small pieces of hardened candle wax on my chest which I had somehow missed made me more angered!  I hopped on my horse and it was then I saw the British approaching!"

It is said that by the time Revere made it to the third town over, he collapsed due to lightheadedness.  For brevity's sake, most historians simply shorten it to: "The British are coming!  The British are coming!"

To be continued....

Hint: America wins the war

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Mission Statement: To Boldly Go Where Other People Have Gone Before And Managed To Be More Successful At Than Me

Jokes.  *Funny Stories.  Ramblings.  Whatever else.

12 posts in, seems like a good idea to put one of these in there.

Oh hell...no one is reading this anyway.

Itchy bum.




*Not funny

If I Were Ruler Of The Insect World

Butterflies will change their name to Clogged-Artery Flies

Moths will be known as I Can't Believe it's Not Butterflies

Millipedes will finally be reunited with Vanillipedes 

Insects will have to light incense when having incest in sex.  

Spiders will-- aw, fuck it.  Kill them all.

Wasps will be forced to wear Banana Republic sweaters around their shoulders and go to Cape Cod in the summer.

Bumble Bees will be given an even gayer name, instead going by Feathery Plume Higgins Freckle Bees.

The only time the name Daddy Long Legs should ever be referenced, is when having sex with me.  Also appropriate: Dung Beetle.

Earthworms will be encased in a jar, and shoved up the vagina of a certain famous lady.  They will forever be known as, Urtha Kittworms.

Editors Note:  Had no idea she died this year.

Due to the recent economy, houseflies will become foreclosureflies.

Because of the popularity of Disney movies in the bug world, all Ladybugs will get Tramp-stamps.

The female praying mantis will no longer decapitate and eat the male praying mantis after reproduction, realizing that marriage is a far more painful way to die.

Mosquitos will no longer be bloodsuckers when they realize that people already have Fox News.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Bittersweet Simphony..I don't even like that song

Jesus (read as Hey Zeus) Sanchez, 15, was playing video games and eating snacks in his parents basement on the night of October the 23rd.  He had been playing the interactive game, The Sims, when his character, George, a male by the age of 19, decided to attend a party.  The party was held by George's crush, Stacy.  There was digital drinking at this party, and Jesus found himself at a personal quandary - would he make George leave the party because he was not of legal avatar age, thereby completely blowing his chances with Stacy (who was at best technologically tipsy), or would he put all of his morals aside and get digitally drunk for the first time.

As the green diamond hovered over George, Jesus took another handful of cheetohs and started to weigh out his options.  If the party were busted by the pixilated police and George were to be caught, it would be goodbye to his lacrosse scholarship.  But if he stayed, George could finally get with Stacy and get a little computer cootch.  Jesus popped a lifesaver mint in his mouth, and started thinking.  Mmm wintergreen.  A decision had to be made.

"Alright" thought Jesus.  His decision was final.  George slowly turned around and headed toward the keg.  As he reached the top of his red cup overflowing with beer, he saw her.   Stacy.  The most beautiful girl at the party.  And what's this?  What...what is she doing?  What was her fuzzy digital head doing with that other guy?  Was that Tim?  From the lacrosse team?  How could he make out with her?  He knew about George's infatuation with her!  Jesus was furious.  He bit his lip in a fit of rage, and gasped at the pain.  As he gasped, his lifesaver shot straight back into his esophagus.  Jesus couldn't breath.  He lept to his feet, grabbing his neck, trying anything he could to get the lifesaver out.  A few seconds later he collapsed to the floor.  He had choked to death on a lifesaver.

We will never know what happened to George.  Did he confront Tim?  Did he ever tell Stacy how he felt about her?  We will never know for sure.  One thing is certain however.  In the story of Mr. Sanchez, Jesus died for our Sims.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Bullshit

Person 1:  You know what they say, sometimes you just have to grab the bull by the balls--

Person 2:  Horns.

Person 1:  What?

Person 2:  Horns.  You grab the bull by the horns.

Person 1:  So the balls are okay to grab?

Person 2:  I wouldn't say okay.  I don't think it would be okay to grab any animal by the balls.  Why would you even think that?

Person 1:  Because that's their job.

Person 2:  What?

Person 1:  A matador.  

Person 2:  Their job is to grab testicles.

Person 1:  No, no.  They have to get to the floor.

Person 2:  What are you talking about?

Person 1:  Like a mat at a door.  You know, on the ground.

Person 2:  I hope you die a painful death.

Person 1:  Would it be...gore-y?

Person 2:  Seriously, just kill yourself.

Time Line

1986: Revolutionary punk rock band The Clash break up because they can not coordinate their wardrobes.


Image-in That







Posts can also be short..

If I were a lawyer:

Me: Your Honor, I object!

Judge: On what grounds?

Me: Hardwood Floor!

The evil chipwich cast a spell on me, now I've lost my Good Humor.


Tuesday, June 2, 2009

The Story of Passover

God:  Moses!

Moses:  Is that you my lord? I am not worthy!

God:  Moses, listen to me.  I have chosen you to lead your people to freedom.  But you must do everything I say.

Moses:  Yes, of course my lord.

God:  You must approach the Pharaoh and warn him.  For if he does not let your people free, ten plagues will fall upon the land.

Moses:  Ten plagues! That's genius, lord!

God:  Now listen closely.  The final plague will be the slaying of the first born.

Moses:  My, God!  That is wonderful--

God:  But we shall start off slowly.  First, I will turn all of the water into blood.

Moses:  Blood!  Oh, that is scary, that is good!  God, that will definitely get the point across--

God:  And then there will be frogs!

Moses:  Of course, there will be fr--what?

God:  Frogs.

Moses:  What do you mean, frogs?

God:  Frogs, lots and lots of frogs.

Moses:  Will they do something?

God:  They will hop.  Lots and lots of hop.

Moses:  I'm afraid I don't really understand...

God:  There's just a lot of frogs everywhere.

Moses:  Right, right.  I mean I understand that much.  Will they..be poisonous frogs?

God:  No.

Moses:  Just...frogs?

God:  Lots of them.  Hopping.

Moses:  Forgive me, my lord.  But that seems more like a..nuisance than a plague..

God:  Have you ever seen a frog?

Moses:  Yes.

God:  Scary right?

Moses:  No, not really, no.

God:  Lots of them, everywhere!

Moses:  I understand lots of them, yes.  You know what, let's go back to that blood thing.  That was a good idea, let's get some more of those going.

God:  Bloody frogs.

Moses:  I think we just need to leave the frog thing behind us.  It was a rough draft, now lets move on to bigger and better things.

God:  Bigger frogs.

Moses:  No frogs!

God:  Better frogs.

Moses:  No frogs!

God:  They hop a lot.

Moses:  I understand they hop a lot!

God:  Hippity hoppity.

Moses:  This is going nowhere.

Moses confronts the Pharaoh

Moses:  Pharaoh, if you don't let my people go, a series of ten plagues will fall upon the land!

Pharaoh:  You don't scare me, Moses!  Ha, ten plagues!  From who?  You?  And what might these awful plagues be?

Moses:  Your water will turn into blood.  Swarms of lice and wild animals that will destroy your people's homes and livestock.  Disease that will kill your livestock.  Incurable boils.  A terrible hail storm mixed with fire.  Swarms of locusts.  Total darkness.  The slaying of the first born child!  And...um...one other thing I can't really seem to recall--oh thats right..um..(mumbles) frrggss.

Pharaoh:  What was that last one?

Moses:  (mumbles) frrgss.

Pharaoh:  What?

Moses:  Frogs!  Fucking frogs!  There will be frogs everywhere!

Pharaoh:  Are they...poisonous frogs?

Moses:  No, they're not poisonous.  Just, frogs.  Hopping.

Pharaoh:  I could kick them off me if I needed to?

Moses:  You could, yes.

Pharaoh:  Just a lot of frogs?

Moses:  Just a lot of frogs, everywhere--whatever, look--9 out of 10 of those are badass okay.

Pharaoh:  I still don't really understand the whole frog thing?

Moses:  Look, it's not me.  I don't know what to tell you.  Let us go or there will be frogs, okay.  A lot of frogs.  Hopping everywhere.

Pharaoh:  That's the best you could come up with?

Moses:  It's not me!  I told him the frog thing was dumb.

Pharaoh:  Do they even have teeth?

Moses:  They've got that tongue, I don't know.

Pharaoh:  That tongue is pretty cool.

Moses:  It is pretty cool.  You're missing the point here.  Blood, disease, the slaying of the first born!

Pharaoh:  And frogs.

Moses:  You're focusing on the frog thing too much!  All that other shit is really bad.

Pharaoh:  All they do is hop.

Moses:  I don't know what to tell you.

Pharaoh:  Toads would be cooler.

Moses:  Toads would be coo--What the fuck are you talking about?  It's not a cool thing!  It's scary okay.  

Pharaoh:  I'm just saying, I'd rather have toads than frogs.

Moses:  I don't care what you want!  Will you let my people free?

Pharaoh:  Will you make it toads instead of frogs?

Moses:  There is no compromising here!  It's frogs. 

Pharaoh:  Then your people stay.

Moses:  God-dammit.  

Monday, June 1, 2009

My Letter to The Onion

To put it simply, I have no previous writing experiences.  My tabula is rasa.  I, like every other college graduate, have spent four years studying to get stuck in that limbo of trying to find a job, while not having the 2+ years experience necessary to have a job.  I have no real insight or status within the industry, though if you were to google my name, you will find an elderly gentleman who resembles one part Falcon, one part Priest, and all part salt and peppery goodness.  He can pull off a blazer like the very best of them and I can only hope that when I am his age, I too can model sweaters for a talent agency out of Colorado.  The air is so crisp there.

            So why should you even bother reading this?  Truth be told, I haven’t a clue.  But assuming I still have you with me, which might be a big assumption, I figured I’d share some of my ideas. 

 

Man Learns Sign Language with Audio Tape

 

Youth in Asia Refuse Euthanasia

 

Diabetic Woman Has SugarDaddy

 

Man takes Tylenol PMS to try and sleep but just stays awake complaining about how tender his breasts are.

 

Amoeba McEntire is discovered in a lab and deemed “world’s smallest singer.”

 

Oh how I do love the pun (I apologize for those.  It was a terrible, terrible decision on my part).  On a more serious note, I am looking to get into the business, and being a freelance writer for The Onion seems like a great place for me to get my start.  I recently graduated from the University of Wisconsin, and -- BLAH BLAH BLAH -- cunty stuff from there.

I like posts that simply require Copy and Paste.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Pick Up Lines

Do you like Whinnie the Pooh? Because I'll make you whinnie till you poo.

You don't look that Jewy to me.

You must be Jesus, because I want to nail you.

I've given six feline colonoscopies in my life.

Your eyes remind me of an ocean...if the ocean were brown and kind of resembled poop covered tree bark.

I want to wear your skin as a light winter jacket.

Name's Bondage.  James Bondage.

I don't understand sign language, but women seem to understand what my fingers are saying.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how excited are you that I've got coupons for Old Navy in my back pocket?

I've gotten the clap so many times if you were to put them together it would sound like a round of applause.  Interested?

I once killed a man for a wombat's feces.  When I made sure the man was dead, I threw away the feces.

If I were Sharon Stone, I would name my child Kidney.

I'm like Hailey's Comet, I come once every 75 years.

Did you know rhubarb is one of nature's most powerful laxatives?

True or False: Sex with me is like doing it with a Bengal Tiger on top of a mountain as chocolate pours from the clouds creating a foamy bed of desire with passion fruits creating passion beneath our bodies.

True.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Stupid Shit (alliteration)

I don't play sports.  I don't understand sports.  I don't enjoy sports.  But if I ever have a son, I will raise him to be a great football player.  He will be the all star player of the team, MVP, an all around powerhouse that will be virtually unstoppable.  

He will also be named Chlamydia.

As the opposing team gets ready for the big game, their coach will offer the only sound advice he can summon up.  "Boys, go out there and get Chlamydia!" 

No one will even approach him.

First post, done.